The Weigh In That Wasn't

I wan't able to weight myself this morning. On Friday my cleaning people dropped my scale as they moved it to mop the floors. It's busted. And it left a big gash is my bathroom floor. I was pretty PO'ed but then decided I should just be grateful I am able to have cleaning people and to not sweat it. I tried to find a new one at Target, which is where I got the one I had but they had none that went over 300. I do have a cheaper backup scale but it doesn't go above 300 either. So, I have one ordered on Amazon.com. In the meantime, no weighin for me.

I could not begin to guess what the result on the scale would have been this week as it was a very different week for me. One, I started my training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day and so did much more exercise than is usual for me. Two, my eating was pretty bad compared to what it had been the prior week. So I have no idea if that would have offset the kickass working out or not. I'll never know! (But that might be best).

I really do need to get my eating back in shape though. I have decided to go back to counting WW points. I am not rejoining or going to meetings or anything. Just journalling my points starting TODAY and using blogging as my support.

In other life news, summer classes started this past week. In my infinite wisdom (insert sarcastic tone here), I am registered for 3 courses. I have never taken 3 courses at once, let alone during summer when the semester is already compressed. Lest you think me a completely masochistic idiot, let me just say I didn't do it on purpose. One of the courses I registered for is actually 2 half semester courses that all MBA students are required to take. During a normal semester, you would do one the first half of the semester and one the second half. Not thinking about summer being a shorter semester already, I didn't realize that you take both courses simultaneously during the summer. Oops. Oh well, I thought about dropping one but decided to push on. I want to get done!!! None of my courses seem particularly difficult this semester. So I just need to try my best to stay ahead of the game and not fall behind. Good news is all of my courses are finished by the end of July so I'll have about 3 weeks off before fall semester starts. Last year, my professors drug things out into August and I only got a week or so off. Silver linings.

What's Cooking? - Buffalo Chicken Breasts

In trying to come up with something to do with chicken breasts that wasn't boring, I decided to try to make Buffalo Chicken Breasts. When I was in my 20's there was a little neighborhood bar I used to go to with my friends on Thursday nights to drink beer and eat Buffalo wings (shout out - Pat and Mike's at 93rd and Maple in Omaha!)

They were mighty tasty but mighty fatty too. I think my Buffalo Chicken Breasts were just as tasty and alot healthier. My lips were on fire and my sinuses were cleared....just like Pat and Mike's wings! And the flavor brought bake lots of memories...mostly of all the cute softball boys who would come in for beers on Thursday nights after their games. ;-)

I don't have a recipe. I just kinda made this one up. I sprinkled the chicken with salt, pepper, and a little paprika, and cooked them in a skillet with a bit of olive oil. For the sauce I just heated a 2 oz. bottle of hot sauce and a tablespoon of light butter. Once the chicken breasts were done cooking I smothered them in the hot sauce mixture and served them up with some carrots, celery, and light ranch dressing.

Rebel Without a Clue

I started my official 24 week training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk yesterday. And may I say, I impressed myself by walking continuously for 3 miles. At my pace that equated to 1.5 hours. I didn't think I could, but I did. I am happy about that. (By the way, I am dispensing with the Exercise Logs. Instead I will be posting my training progress weekly.)



What I am not happy about is my rebelliousness when it comes to eating. I just cannot (will not?) make up my mind about how to go about an eating plan, let alone sticking to one. Logically, it seems that I should be tracking my food in some way, be it calories on fitday.com or Weight Watchers points in a notebook. I can't (won't?) seem to commit to sticking with either of those.



So then I decide I will just eat intuitively. You know, eat only when hungry, only to the point of satisfaction, and primarily healthy foods. And I do that for awhile and then pretty soon I am eating too much and the wrong things.



I rebel against anything. Anything except overeating. I have been so frustrated with myself that the idea of weightloss surgery crept into my head yesterday. It was a fleeting thought because I don't really want to lose weight that way (insert Seinfeld-esque "Not that there is anything wrong with that" here) but I think it speaks to my level of desperation.



I feel that my behavior is very childish. I am a grown up. I should be able to set limits for myself. And yet, I can't (won't?). Historically, I have been most successful when tracking Weight Watchers points in a journal, so it seems I should go back to that. But always the rebel comes out. Even just writing this makes me want to slap my childish self and tell me to just do what I need to do and quit whining about it!



What will it take for me to get a grip on the food? I am so frustrated with myself.

What's Cooking? - Black and White Angel Food Cake

I went to a cookout yesterday afternoon where it was my job to bring a dessert. I used to love to cook and bake things back when I had more time so I decided to break out my Cooking Light cookbooks and see what I could find. I ended up making this Black and White Angel Food Cake (although, as you can see, it ended up being more of a Brown and Slightly-Less-Brown Angel Food Cake). That said, it looked pretty good when it was finished and it tasted great too.

I need to spend more time in the kitchen. I enjoy it and it's so much tastier to eat freshly prepared food. I don't have tons of time during the week so I think I am going to aim for spending some time on Sundays experimenting with new recipes.

Memorial Day and Belated Blogoversary

So I missed my official blogoversary date - May 18. I guess I will have to give myself the silent treatment and make myself sleep on the couch this week.

When I started this blog a year ago I was desperate. I had recently shocked myself by surpassing the 300 pound mark - something I never thought would happen. I was around 315 when I started this blog.


Here I am a year later. I would not have believed you then if you told me then that over the course of the year I would have:

• 90+ people following my blog


• anyone commenting on anything I wrote


• published my face on my blog


• made real connections with real people that I hope to meet in real life someday


• gained another 30+ pounds (Yep, I gained weight while writing a weightloss blog)

So, I have struggled for a couple of days with what to write for my belated Blogoversary. I have read alot of Blogoversary posts where people exclaim over how much their lives have changed for the better and all the things they can do now that they couldn't before. I wish I could write a post like that. But, my life isn't different. In fact, physically, it's a little worse. So what lessons have I learned over this past year that will help me to be able to write a different sort of post this time next year? Two important ones actually:

1. Make time for yourself. I spent this past year making my work and school the end-all be-all of my life. I am not going to lose 180 pounds spontaneously. It has to be a priority in my life. I need to set boundaries with these other things in my life that demand my time and attention so that I can take care of myself.


2. Time marches on. I have to get out of the mindset of thinking I can do better "next week." Next week I'll exercise more. Next week I'll eat better. Next week I'll have more time. All those "next weeks" added up to a year (and an extra 30 pounds) before I knew it. I only have right now to improve myself and I have to take advantage of it.
   

Now, I leave you with my

Memorial Day post from last year. My sentiments are the same this year. My intention is to be able to write a different sort of post next year.

Exercise Log #12

5/24/09 12:30PM

Goal: 1 hour walk on treadmill

Achieved: 1 hour

Distance: 2.04 miles

Average Pace: 2.04mph

Avg heart rate: 126

Physical: During the first 30 minutes my pace ranged from 2.2 to 2.6 but that was causing the lactic acid again. Remembering that distance is more important that speed, I slowed it down to 1.8 to 2.2 in the 2nd 30 minutes. Next time I am going to start at the slower pace to give myself more time to warm up. Getting off the treadmill I am like an 80 year old woman.

Emotional: Still feeling scared I won't be able to achieve my goal of walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk. But am trying to push that to the back of my mind and just do what I need to do each day. I know this will start getting easier, especially as my weight starts dropping.

Weigh in: 3.6 lost, 176.3 to go

That's more like it! I am back within striking distance of my 2nd 5 pound loss....which is good because I ordered 2 charms for my charm bracelet last week. (For those who don't remember, I plan to add a charm to a charm bracelet for every 5 pounds that I lose.)

Since my official 24 week training program for the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk starts this coming Tuesday, I feel good that I have a set exercise plan in mind. I still need to work on the food part though. My goal for next week is to have some protein with every meal and snack and to avoid processing foods as snacks. Lowfat cottage cheese and a piece of fruit actually make a great snack and keeps me satisfied for several hours.

Plans for today include an hour on the treadmill, a pedicure, a trip to Whole Foods, and some time in my home office getting things organized. It's almost the end of another month and I'd like to report some progress on one of my SMART goals.

Exercise Log #11

5/23/09 2:00PM


Goal: 1 hour walk on treadmill


Achieved: 30 minutes


Distance: 1.2 miles


Average Pace: 2.4mph


Avg heart rate: 134


Physical: My pace ranged from 2.1 to 3.0. I actually maintained 3.0 mph for 3 minutes. I started out at a higher pace this time (2.4 as compared to 2.1 last time). That ended up being a mistake. Lactic acid in my calves forced me to have to stop at 30 minutes. I barely was able to make it to that point. I hobbled off the treadmill like an old lady and sat down to stretch my calves to try to release the lactic acid.


Emotional: Started out a little cocky, I guess, thinking this walking thing would be easy since I was able to do the full hour last time. Now I am feeling a bit discouraged. I just need to remember to walk at a pace I can maintain for an hour, even if it does seem excruciatingly slow. It is more important for my 3 Day training that I am able to get the miles in, not how fast I do them. I guess I was just looking ahead to Tuesday when my official 24-week training program begins. Week 1 is just four 3 mile walks so I have been wanting to be able to walk at a 3mph pace so I could complete those walks in an hour. That's why I should have been more consistent with my walking sooner. But, what is done is done, and I am where I am. For now my pace is less than 3 mph. I have to start where I am and trust that with consistency I will get where I want to be.

Exercise Log #10

5/20/09 7:20PM

Goal: 30 min Curves workout

Achieved: 30 minutes

Avg heart rate: 132

Physical: Kicking butt.

Emotional: Kicking butt.

Exercise Log #9

5/19/09 8:00PM

Goal: 1 hour walk on treadmill

Achieved: 1 hour (that's right...I said 1 hour....woohoo)

Distance: 2.28 miles

Pace: 2.28mph

Avg heart rate: 136

Physical: My pace ranged from 2.1 to 3.0. I actually maintained 3.0 mph for 5 minutes. Sweating and breathing hard (good). Still struggling with my back (bad). Spent lots of time leaning on the handrails. Jillian Michaels would SO have been screaming at me.

Emotional: I had forgotten how much I actually love to do a good cardio workout. As I sweated and breathed I remembered the days when I was in shape and would do my daily 45 min - 1 hour on the elliptical. It felt good - then and now. The endorphins rush and when I am doing cardio on machine I love to challenge myself in different ways. I am looking forward to doing that with my treadmill. (For example, next time I want to make it to 6 minutes at 3.0 mph.) I realized that my own weight is holding me back from achieving the true euphoria I used to feel. But the positive of that is I can remember the euphoria again and am motivated to get some pounds off so I can experience it pain-free again.

Before and After

BEFORE: well-worn comfy lounge chair I spent way too much time in.

AFTER - lounge chair replaced with treadmill. Time to kick some ass.

My very own dread...I mean treadmill.

I bit the bullet and bought a treadmill this past weekend. It is to be delivered tomorrow. I intend to move my big comfy chair (that my ass spends way too much time in) to the garage and will put the treadmill in its place.

This should help me kick up the walking a notch. Afterall, I am supposed to be walking 60 miles in just under 6 months from now. Egads!

Weigh in: 3.3 gained, 179.9 to go

The past couple of weeks I let my weight loss efforts slide. They were not the top of my priority list (or really even on the list at all) so the resulting 3.3 pound gain over the course of two weeks isn't that suprising.

Work was supposed to have slowed down these past couple of weeks but I had a colleague out sick and had to cover for them as well as get my own work done. I am on break from school for another week or so but other emergencies in my personal life took up the time that school would have taken up. I had been looking forward to an easy couple of weeks in which I could really put alot of effort towards losing weight. But unexpected things came up, I let them distract me from my weightloss efforts, and I ended up gaining.

The moral of the story for me is that I can't wait for all the stars to be perfectly aligned in order to make my weight loss a priority. There will never be a "perfect" time to lose weight. There will always be pressures and personal obligations and I can no longer let them be an excuse for not doing what I need to do to improve my health and lose weight. So I need to anticipate that these things will happen and learn to take care of myself and lose weight even when conditions are not ideal. Because let's face it, 99.9% of the time they are not ideal.

As handy as it would be to be able to put absolutely everything else on hold while working on my weight, it ain't gonna happen, people. It ain't gonna happen for me or for anyone else. And even if we could make it happen we would have learned nothing about how to balance our health with living real life.

And so I am embarking on a new and imperfect week of weightloss. The difference is I am expecting it to be imperfect. I am anticipating some curveballs even though I don't know what they might be just yet. I will not let them distract me from my goal. Next week I am going to weigh less than I do today. That's a promise!

Prepare Yourselves (I Am)

It's been a rough couple of weeks. A friend of mine is having serious health problems and I've been trying to support her to the detriment of my own health. I haven't weighed in a couple of weeks but plan to get back to my regular Sunday weigh-ins tomorrow. I am anticipating a gain. We'll see exactly how much tomorrow.

Super? Me?

Wow, my very first blog award AND I was lucky enough to be nominated three times! I'm definately feelin' the love, y'all.

I was nominated by:

• my NY blogger buddy, Ria at Merksie's Fitness Journal, whose motivation, determination, and success inspires me.
• one of my newer blog friends and fellow DFW area resident, Learning to Be Less
• Ang at Angela's Grand Adventures

Thanks, ladies! It's amazing to me anyone is even reading this blog I started nearly a year ago now, let alone awarding me on it. When I started this I had no idea the source of support it would become. So thank you to my nominators and to everyone who has ever commented on my blog. It's helped me more than you can know.

And now to pass on this award to some bloggers who have inspired me, made me laugh, or made me think, I would like to nominate:

Natalia at Embracing the Weightloss Journey For her honesty and unending support of her fellow bloggers

Dina at Size What? For her humor, her pictures, and helping her short-legged dog out of a muddy ditch.

Jen at PriorFatGirl She's a success...what more can I say?

Lyn at Escape from Obesity For her complete and utter honesty that touches everyone who reads her.

Michelle at Diary of an Aspiring Loser Another success and a new mom!

Exercise Log #8

5/4/09 5:30AM

Goal: 30 min Curves workout

Achieved: 30 minutes

Avg heart rate: forgot my HR monitor

Physical: Felt good to breathe and sweat. I really worked it this morning!

Emotional: At first, unwilling. But decided to "just do it". Walking on air now!

Excercise Log #7

5/3/09 2:30PM

Goal: 1 hour walk

Achieved: 37 minutes (2 less than last time)

Distance: 1.35 miles

Pace: 2.2mph

Avg heart rate: 130

Physical: Pretty much the same as the last time I walked on 3/31/09. My back and calves are very taxed at this weight by my body is appreciating the aerobic activity. I felt pretty good considering I haven't done a stitch of exercise in 3 weeks and my last walk was on 3/31/09.

Emotional: Kind of bummed I can't just get out there and hoof it for an hour like I would like to. But feeling optimistic that I will be able to soon!

Weigh in: 1.6 lost, 176.6 to go

Down another 1.6 today. I am happy with that. Taking small steps, yes, but the changes I have made are very small. Basically, the only thing I have done differently is to work on stopping the bingeing and serious overeating. All I am focusing on right now is eating normal amounts of food but whatever food I feel like eating when I am hungry. I guess that is what some call "intuitive eating".

At times I find myself beginning to overthink this or to look ahead, saying to myself, "I can't keep losing just by doing this forever." Well, maybe I can, maybe I can't. I can't know the future so I am going to stop thinking about it. For now I am satisfied that, although I am not eating perfectly, I am eating more normally and I am being rewarded with modest losses each week. They'll add up eventually. And I am hoping I am teaching myself to break the binge cycle in the process.

Who's That Girl?

It's me (with a wax Hugh Grant). Five years and 150 pounds ago.

And I remember when this picture was taken I thought I was fat.

This picture makes me sad. What did I do to myself? Why couldn't I see then that I looked good? If I get back there again, will I still feel the same way?

SMART Goals: 4th Monthly Update

Another month has passed and it's time to report on my progess towards my 2009 SMART goals.

1. To weigh less than 300 pounds by 1/1/2010. I weighed 337.7 on 1/1/09 and was at 343.1 at last weeks weigh-in. So now I am down to 8 months to achieve what I thought would take a year to achieve. It's still doable at just over 5 pounds/month. My eating is slowly coming back under control. Now I need to work on that exercise. Staying up to late continues to be my problem as early mornings are best for me to workout. I am committing to going to bed by 10PM most days for the month of May to help in my exercise efforts. I'll let you know how I did next month!. Also, am considering purchasing a treadmill for my house. Whatever I can do to make exercise as convenient as possible!

2. To have my entire house decluttered and organized by 1/1/2010. My goal has been to spend 1 hour per week working on this task. I have not really stuck to my 1 hour per week rule, but I did finally spend some time this month tackling my home office, which along with my garage is by far the biggest task I have in this endeavor. So I feel like I am making some progress. My plan is to have my home office organized by my next monthly report.

3. To complete at least 12 more hours towards my MBA by 1/1/2010. No change with this one. I am currently taking 6 hours so I will be halfway to my goal by the end of the spring semester. I am registered for 3 hours (or maybe 7 if I can get the additional class I want) during the summer session starting mid-May and I will be registering for 6 hours for the fall. If I stick to that plan, I should finish the year ahead for this goal.