Memorial Day and Belated 2nd Blogiversay

It's Memorial Day again which means it's time to thank all the veterans who have sacrificed in defense of our country and freedom.

It's also the unofficial start of summer.

It's also my unofficial blogiversary because I can never remember my real one, which is May 18.

In 2008, shortly after beginning this blog, I posted what Memorial Day (as the unofficial start of summer) meant for an obese person (in summary, sweaty embarrassing fat). At 313 pounds I proclaimed I deserved better summers and that I was on my way to achieving my goals. I posted the question "Where will I be for Memorial Day 2009?"

Cut to 2009. I celebrated my one year blogiversary and noted that I had GAINED 30 more pounds during the course of my first year blogging. I boldly claimed that I had learned 2 lessons in 2009: 1) that I needed to make time for myself and set more boundaries with my work, and 2) that time marches on and that I needed to get rid of my "I can do better" next week mindset. I ended the post with a hope to write a different sort of post for Memorial Day 2010.

Well, here we are. Memorial Day 2010. Ignoring my ridiculous water weight gain this week, I am basically at the exact same weight I was last year at this time...around the mid 340's. I spent the year working working working and sometimes crying over work. And eating over work. Eating to reduce stress. Eating to calm nerves. Eating is what seemed my only source of pleasure in a life filled with obligations.

So, yeah, I think the lessons I learned in 2009 were basically theoretical in nature. I didn't really apply what I had learned. I guess you could say I was "booksmart" when it came to lifestyle change. What I need to have is "common sense". I think I am just now starting to get there slowly.

This blog serves as a blunt reminder to myself that my life is slipping by and I am letting it. My job is still a big challenge. It may get better. A little better. But probably not enough better to really achieve the balance I am looking for. So I am working on some things there that aren't going as quickly as I would like, but I am working on it. In the meantime, I am back to Weight Watchers and I am slowly changing my ways and learning patience. Because for all the "hurrying" and thoughts of "I have to lose weight RIGHT NOW" over the past 2 years, I have pretty much gotten no where.

So this year I am going to try slow and patient and see where that gets me for my 2011 Memorial Day post.

Weigh in: 6 gained, 182 to go

Guess I shouldn't have eaten that salty popcorn at the movies the night before weigh-in.

I was hoping to hit the 10 pound mark this week but had a major setback as you can see. I'm not happy about it, but I am not super upset either. I know a good chunk of this weight is water retention. It's just that time of the month. Plus the popcorn. Ce la vie!

This week I plan on swilling down lots and lots of water to get this flushed out of my system.

I'm also planning on tracking my points this week. I haven't really been doing that but I've decided it's time to get a little more structured with it.

Not much else going on. I am enjoying a 4 day weekend, which I sorely needed. Nothing too exciting going on. Just taking care of things around the house and working on school stuff. It's just nice to be able to sleep in a little and not have to go to the office.

Weigh in: 2.6 lost, 176 to go

Good weigh in this morning. I lost 2.6 and am ever so close to the 10 pound mark. I can't really say that I am the perfect Weight Watcher right now. In fact, I am far from it. But what I seem to be doing is easing my way back into better habits and not expecting perfection.



When you think about it, it takes a pretty major effort to maintain your body weight at 180 pounds over its ideal. I mean, to get that far gone you really have to be WORKING at it. And I was. No exercise, stressful lifestyle, not enough sleep, and way too many trips to the drive through.



It seems I am finally realizing what so many others already have figured out....small changes work. You don't have to go from working REALLY hard to keep yourself 180 pounds overweight to working REALLY hard to lose the 180 pounds. It's just too great a switch to make. I know, Thank you, Captain Obvious. I've heard lots of people say they started out slow, making small changes. But for some reason I didn't think that would work for me. Well, guess what? It is.



I haven't started some rigorous exercise routine. I walk my dog for 15 minutes every now and then. I haven't tracked every single bit of food that goes in my mouth. I'm not even eating perfectly healthily. I still hit the drive through when I am busy and didn't get a lunch packed. It's just I order one meal instead of two. I'm trying to be a little more conscious about drinking more water. But doing just those things I am almost at 10 pounds lost.



Could it be more if I were a perfect Weight Watcher? Yes. But my head isn't there yet. When I think about writing down my food and counting points I can feel rebellion welling up inside me. So for now, I will keep doing what I am doing and try to continue to make small improvements as I go. I'll keep attending my Weight Watcher meeting because I like the accountability of the weigh in. And because I have lucked upon the best Weight Watchers leader I have ever encountered. She gets that it is not just about eating less and exercising. She gets there is a mental and emotional aspect to all this. And the other meeting members get it too. It seems to be a really great group and I hope to make some connections there over time. There are a few people in there who have lost significant amounts of weight - 100+ pounds.



So I am happy where I am at right now. I'm not going to over analyze it. I'm just gonna go with it.

Farmer's Market Loot

I made my first trip to the local farmer's market yesterday morning after my Weight Watchers meeting. Behold the loot!

Here's what I got:
-Farm fresh eggs. Even though I am from Iowa, land of the farm, I have never in my 40 years of life eaten a farm fresh egg. I had been told they are exponentially tastier than what we get in the grocery store. After eating a couple of these over easy with absolutely no seasoning of any kind, I have to say I agree! The yolk was so much richer and more flavorful than anything I've ever eaten in the past. I plan to try to make it to the farmer's market weekly to get these tasty eggs, even if I get nothing else! They were that good.

-Organic, farm fresh blueberry Greek yogurt. I just took a quick taste of this yesterday and it was lovely, creamy, and fresh. I plan to have some for a snack today.
-Organic, farm fresh swiss cheese. Not sure I was loving this. I found it to be very very salty.

-Cucumbers. I love cucumbers. These were cucumbers like I'd never had before. First of all, they were nice and firm, unlike the spongey somewhat bendy ones I always seem to find at the grocery store. Second, they smelled and tasted so fresh! That fresh cucumber-y smell and taste is what I have always loved about this veggie. I've even bought cucumber scented candles for my house before I love the fragrance so much. Yummy, yummy, I'll be back for more next week.

-Tomatoes. Haven't tried these yet. But they look tasty, don't they?

-Strawberries. Is this what strawberries are supposed to taste like? It was like I was eating a strawberry kicked up several notches. The grocery store ones are flavorless compared to these.

-Unidentified greens. I have no idea what kind of greens these are. I felt dumb asking what they were. Can anyone identify? I've never cooked greens before. I bought these in an attempt to expand my horizons. I'll be googling greens recipes today, but if anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I admit I am a bit leery about eating cooked greens....especially ones I have cooked!

-Organic chicken breast. On the menu for today.

-Organic, grass fed beef sirloin. Probably the least diet friendly of my purchases today. This in my freezer currently. Am looking forward to seeing the difference between grass fed and corn fed beef. I am being completely disloyal to the homeland (Iowa) when I say this, but I was fairly horrified when reading about corn-fed beef production in Michael Pollen's The Omnivore's Dilemna. It pretty much put me off beef. I won't get on a soapbox and I know there's a food chain and all, but this practice is horrifically cruel and unnatural. Enough said. You can read the book yourself if you want to know more.

I am planning to make it a habit to swing by the farmer's market each week after my Saturday morning WW's meeting. I am really looking forward to seeing how the offerings change as the seasons do.

Weight in: 0.8 lost, 178.6 to go

I was down 0.8 today at my weigh in. That is after being up 1.2 from last week. So I've been kind of stalled out. Not doing well enough to actually lose, but not gaining huge amounts either. Could be worse, I guess, but stalled out is not where I want to be. I want to start making some progress!

I'm still struggling to change my lifestyle but I am starting to feel some changes happening with my thinking. I am starting to occasionally imagine myself thin. And I am remembering the days when I was thinner and how much better I felt and how much more fun getting dressed in the morning was. I'm taking this as a good sign that maybe I'm getting closer to being ready to make some REAL progress towards my goals.

I have very much been stuck in a hopeless and apathetic mindset about my ability to succeed at this weightloss and about whether it's even worth trying to do. Once a week (or whenever I bothered myself to weigh in) I would get all "RAH-RAH, this week is going to be different, I'm going to do better." And then I never would. In fact, I'd rarely make it through that day without making a choice that was completely detrimental to my weightloss.

My "RAH-RAH" thoughts were bullshit. I was bullshitting you and I was bullshitting myself. Enough with the bullshit. I gotta be real. And what's real is that I am only just now starting to feel a little bit like maybe making a real effort at weightloss is worth it. That I am worth it. And that I could actually succeed. I'm not all the way there. I am not feeling all "RAH-RAH" about the upcoming week. I am just going to say that I've noticed slight shifts in my internal dialogue. And I'm hopeful that is a sign of good changes to come. One day at a time.