In addition to a community workout center, my townhouse complex also has a community pool. I have been wanting so badly to try it out. It's brutally hot here in Texas plus I just enjoy the weightless experience of being in the water. But get in a bathing suit in public? Hellz no. I do get in my a bathing suit to do water aerobics but I can only stand it because all the other class members are also either obese or elderly. But to swim around in a pool surrounded by pretty people? I don't think so.
A couple weeks ago I decided I wanted to try pool walking for exercise. So I waited til it was dark and I felt pretty sure that no one else would be there and did a few laps. I did several laps but it made me sad. I was turning myself into a freak not fit to be seen in the light of day. I didn't like the feeling. At all. But I'm still not comfortable at this size going out there in front of others.
Yesterday after I exercised I was so tempted by the pool that I had to at least dip a toe in. No one else was there so I just took off my shoes and socks, sat on the edge, and dipped my tootsies in the pool. The water felt so nice. The sky was blue and the sun felt good. I just wish I felt free enough to dive on in and really enjoy myself.
Fitting in. Not feeling embarrassed about my body. Two things I don't have right now but desperately wish I did.
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