Weekly Goal Update - Monday

1. Journal my food every day - done.
2. Stay within my 2,500 calorie/day budget - didn't do it. Succumbed to the pizza that was ordered in while we worked late. No excuse for it either because I had packed my lunch AND dinner anticipating I would be there late. Gotta try harder tomorrow.
3. Exercise in some form 4x - no exercise today. Tomorrow I plan to park in the far parking lot when I go to class. That will get me a 10 minute walk each way.
4. Pack a healthy lunch and snacks - done. Ate my lunch and my snacks. But for dinner, I caved.
5. Hold myself accountable by posting daily how I did - done.

Off Track

It's amazing how quickly and easily I get off track. I have not been tracking my calories or exercising for more days than I care to admit. Most recently I blame the stress and worry over my dog and being sick myself, but mostly it's due (as usual) to work. I won't go into the work details because I have so many times in the past and I am sick of listening to myself about it. I have a stressful job. That's how it is for now so I have got to learn to deal with it. All it takes is a little prior planning so I have foods with me for lunch and for snacks. Why do I fight that so much? I used to do it all the time as a matter of habit.

Today I came to my senses and started getting my shit back together again. I've journalled my food, walked (if only for 10 minutes...better than nothing), and am within my calorie budget. I meant it when I said I wanted to be halfway to my weight goal by the end of the year and that's not gonna happen by magic.

Because it is so easy for me to push my weightloss goals to the side when the going gets tough, I've got to find a way to stay ON TRACK and to keep my goals at the front of my mind at all times. So, hopefully she won't mind, but I am going to take a page from the blog of Spunky Suzi and set weekly goals for myself. I want to hold myself accountable to the habits that will result in my weightloss success.

So for the upcoming week, my goals are to:

1. Journal all my food every day.
   
2. Stay within my 2,500 calorie/day budget.
   
3. Exercise in some form 4x.
   
4. Pack a healthy lunch and snacks to take to work every day this week.
   
5. Hold myself accountable to these goals by posting daily about how I did.

So help me I am NOT going to let 2010 be like 2009!!!!!

Sick

While Buster is on the mend and slowlu getting back to his old self, now I am down for the count. Been fighting a bug since last Wednesday. Today I'm going to have to break down and go to the doctor. I'm getting worse, not better. Quack shack, here I come.

All Aboard the Emotional Rollercoaster

I think I can say without reservation that I have had one of the worst weeks of my life. On Tuesday night I got home from class around 10:30 to find a very sad-faced dog with his tail between his legs. At first I thought he must have done something to feel guilty about but I quickly realized he was sick. Very sick. This was confirmed when I walked into my bedroom and found the he had thrown up 15 times. Yes, I counted. I tried to pick him up but he cried with pain and tried to snap at me. Two times I tried to pick him up and he wouldn't let me. I knew something bad was wrong.

Let my preface the rest of the story by saying that anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love my dog. I mean, I really LLLOOOOVE my dog. I've had him almost 13 years and we are both extremely attached to one another. He's my constant companion. He sleeps with me. He sits on the bathmat outside the shower waiting for me to get out. He's my walking buddy. He's the one who greets me when I get home. I love him.

So when I realized he was very sick I immediately googled emergency vets in the area and found one within 15 minutes of my place. I got him in the car....he still wouldn't let me pick him up so I just sort of boosted him into the car. He just sat in the passenger seat without moving. Usually he's kind of a pest in the car trying to look out the window and sit on my lap and hopping from the front seat to the back. Yep, my dog was definitely sick.

We got to the ER where the vet said he was in severe pain. She could tell by his posture and how he tensed up when she touched his back and belly. At this point, we weren't sure if it was the back or belly causing the pain. So they did bloodwork and xrays and I waited. Finally the vet called me back and reviewed the bloodwork first. "Something's wrong with the liver." And I could tell from how she looked at me and how she slowly brought the xrays out what she was goign to tell me. "Here is where his liver ends. And here is where it should end. Over here is his stomach, but it should not be there. It's being pushed out of place by his liver." At this point I am numb waiting for her to just get to the damn point because we both knew what the point was. "It's likely liver cancer but we will need to do an ultrasound in the morning when the specialists get here to be sure." Still numb and speechless at this point. Then she said, "Liver cancer is very aggressive in dogs. If we confirm liver cancer his time will be very short." And I crumbled. Because I knew what she meant. More than meaning he was going to die, she meant I would need to make a decision and quickly and that the right decision would be to spare his suffering.

In my head I was trying to understand how in the course of just 24 hours Buster had gone from a spunky little dog who loves walking with me, chasing the cat, and barking at anyone who dares pass by our house, to one I was going to have to put down. While my mind was racing she talked about keeping him over night so they could control his pain. She mentioned if it was only in one lobe of the liver they might be able to remove it. She talked about the size of what she was seeing on the xray and that because of the size she was pretty certain it was cancer. She talked about palliative care if I wanted to be able to bring him home for awhile. She said they would call in the morning with a status update and to let me know when they could do the ultrasound.

And the rest of the night I spent in hell. I called my dad. I texted a couple of friends. But mostly I sat on my couch and cried. I didn't get much sleep. Just dozing in and out on the couch. At one point I woke up and thought, "Where's Buster?" and then I remembered what had happened that night. It was terrible.

In the morning I waited for their call and tried to get ready to make the decision I didn't want to make. Finally the vet called and said, "I have some news I think you are going to be happy to hear." I thought she would tell me that it was only in one lobe and they could remove it. But it was better than that. It turns out what she thought was a large mass in his liver was actually a severely distended gall bladder. His ducts were blocked and bile couldn't drain from the gall bladder. So it was getting bigger and bigger, making him sick and making him hurt. It was dangerously close to rupturing but they could remove it and do some exploration while they were in there to be doubly sure nothing else was wrong.

Hallelujah!!!! If I had been in the room with her I might have kissed her. But she reigns in my happiness by saying that although she is fairly certain its just blocked ducts in the gall bladder there was still a possibility that there was cancer involvement causing the gall bladder problem. She said if they got in there and found anything like that I might want to consider not waking him up from the surgery. And BOOM!!! I came crashing back down again.

I raced to the surgery center so I could see him before the surgery just in case it was the last time. I met with the surgeon first and she explained that this was still a serious surgery and that the first few days out would be critical. She said that many times they go into gall bladder surgery and things look like they will be just fine and then they end up not fine. I asked her what she meant by that and she very directly said, "He could die." No sugar-coating, that is for sure. Statistically, about half of dogs don't live more than 3 days after this surgery but if they do then they are generally out of the woods. So while I was still glad he didn't have cancer I knew he was still in alot of danger and I could still lose him.

They brought him in to see me before they started. He was still so sick and so miserable that I just gave him a quick pat and looked into those little eyes so he would know I was there with him. Then they took him and I went home to wait. I waited and tried to stay positive. Lots of people were calling me to check on Buster's status. Yes, everyone knows how much I love my little dog and they were worried - for him AND me.

A couple of hours later the surgeon called to say they were done, that it all went well, and that Buster was in recovery. The surgery went well and they found no signs of cancer anywhere. But she did say that the gall bladder was on the verge of bursting and was weeping fluid into his abdominal cavity. So it's a good thing I didn't wait to bring him in. They would be keeping him on paid meds, antibiotics, and I wouldn't be able to visit him til the next day.

When I did get to visit the next day he was a completely different dog. He was a little dopey from the pain meds but he was trotting around almost like normal. I sat on the floor with him and he crawled into my lap. Ah...joy to me. I sat with him for awhile and then I had to get back to work. They wanted to keep him another night.

Yesterday I was able to bring him home. Not sure who was happier, he or I. They mentioned he wouldn't eat for them and if I couldn't get him to eat by Sunday I needed to bring him back. So far I haven't been able to get him to eat a thing. He's drinking well. We went on a very short little walk to the corner and back. He's been laying on the bed surveying his kingdom out the window and barking little tiny barks (instead of his usual big mean ones) at the people passing by. So all those are good signs to me. I just wish I could get him to eat. I don't want to have to take him back.

So, yeah, I've been on a major emotional roller coaster these past couple of days. Going from thinking my dog has cancer and I would have to put him down to finding out it was just a gall bladder. I'm just glad he's here with me now. I am anxious to see continued improvement so I can get my spunky little crazy dog back all the way.

I am grateful for so many things right now. That I live in a big enough place that we have access to emergency veterinary care. That I can afford it. That the overnight ER vet stayed 3 hours past her normal shift just to take care of Buster and so she could be the one to tell me the good news. That my friends and family understand Buster's not "just a dog". Most of all I am grateful I am going to get to spend more happy days with my little buddy.

Too Much "Biggest Loser"?

Last night I dreamed I had to race up flight after flight of stairs. At each landing I had to change my workout clothes - t-shirt, sports bra, socks - all matched each other and I had to change to a new color at each landing.

Do you think I burned as many calories dreaming about running up stairs and I would have if I actually did it?

Weigh in: 0.2 lost, 178.7 to go

Well, I guess this is proof that there is nothing magical about January 1. Once I was back to work I fell right back into my usual struggles of feeling too tired and too busy to do what I need to do to take care of myself. I didn't exercise and I didn't journal my food during the work week. So I am grateful for a small loss given that. But I need to have a better plan this week for how I am going to deal with working AND taking care of my health.

The thing I want to work on for the upcoming work week is my sleep habits. I think one of my biggest downfalls in dealing with work stress and taking care of myself is my poor sleep habits during the work week. I stay up too late, oversleep, feel rushed and stressed out every morning. This is the first thing I need to change if I have any hope of getting through the week without sabotaging myself.

I've been googling "sleep hygiene" and have learned I do alot of things wrong. I don't go to bed or wake up and consistent times every day, I work on the computer in bed, eat too late. Ah, the list is long. So the first thing I want to work on is becoming consistent with my sleeping and waking times.

My goal for this week is to be asleep by 11PM (eventually I want this to be 10PM but I'll start with 11PM). In order to do this, my goal needs to be to have eaten dinner and to have done all the things at home I need to by 10PM so I can spend an hour unwinding and then sleeping at 11PM.

I know this will help tremendously. Back when I was healthy and fit I generally was in bed asleep by 9 or 9:30 and then up at 5 for an hour workout and then on with my day. I definitely had a routine and I felt good. So I will be working toward getting back to that.

First Walk in 2010

On New Year's Day I started the year off right by sticking to my eating plan and getting out with my little dog and taking a walk. Ever since moving to my new place I have been meaning to check out the walking/biking trails that run throughout the city. Am I ever glad I did. In my old neighborhood there was nowhere convenient to walk except around boring old suburban neighborhoods. Ho hum. I was always envious of the pretty walks some of you post pictures of. Well it seems I have found a pretty walk of my own.

The trail is long and winding and I am looking forward as my fitness increases to be able to explore more and more of it.

Weigh in: 3.1 lost, 178.9 to go

Starting 2010 off right with a great loss!!! I actually started on my "2010 Goals" a couple of days after Christmas so I gave myself a head start. I've been tracking my food and staying within my calorie budget and have gotten a nice walk in. Will today too. It's gorgeous out.

I'm back to work on Monday and that will be the real test. Today I need to work on a little bit of meal planning so that I have things to bring to work. I am determined not to let 2010 be like 2009!

Clean Slate

I spent alot of time reading blogs yesterday. It's interesting to see the two different camps regarding New Year's Resolutions. Some people make resolutions or goals of some sort this time each year. Others make none because they see nothing magical about January 1. Makes sense. Why do we have to wait til January 1 or Monday or tomorrow or whatever arbitrary start point we choose? Why not just resolve to change today? Set new goals today? Yep, makes alot of sense to me.

And yet...I am a New Year's Resolutions girl. I call mine Goals. I think there's a couple of reasons for this. During this holiday time of year things seem to slow down for a bit, at least in terms of work. Offices close early, parties are had, people take time off, families visit, kids are out of school. Overall to me it feels like a winding down process. Maybe that's because I generally am on vacation every year between Christmas and New Year's.

This winding down feeling combined with more free time for relaxation and introspection inevitably leads me to think about what I have accomplished in the past year and what things I hope to improve upon and accomplish in the upcoming year. Spending this time each year has only become important to me in very recent years and I think that's because as I get older I am becoming more aware of time and the fact that we all have a limited and unknown quantity of it at our disposal.

Now I will be the first to admit that it is kind of rare that I actually accomplish all the goals that I have set out for myself in a year. I blame that primarily on not keeping my focus on them throughout the year. As I move out of the restful holiday season and back into regular life and the busiest time of year for an accountant, I easily fall back into the same old routines and my ethusiasm for my goals is pushed to the back of my priority list.

Today I feel like I have a clean slate in front of me. I want to keep that clean slate feeling every day all year long.

2010 Goals

Well, now that I have looked back upon 2009 in two parts and found it to be a not-so-great year for me in many ways, it's time to look ahead to the new year and the new decade and make a plan to make a better life for myself.

The resounding themes for my look back at 2009 were 1) failure at my weight loss goals, 2) not enough living/having fun/being generally negative, and 3) too much work stress (which was not an insignicant contributor to the first two). So, obviously, these will be the things that I will be working on in 2010. On a monthly basis, I will post updates as to my progress on this things. My Goals for 2010 are:

1. I will lose 93 pounds by 1/1/11.
Seems like a random amount of weight to lose, but it will put me at halfway to my final goal. My 2010 weight loss goal is more than twice as big as the goal I wasn't able to achieve in 2009. Am I nuts? Maybe. But what I think happened last year is that by setting my goal (expectations for myself) too low it was easy to let the months slip by with no progress. Didn't lose anything in Janaury? No problem, I can still lose 40 pounds in 11 months. Didn't lose anything in February? No problem, I can still lose 40 pounds in 10 months. You get the picture. And then pretty soon the year is over and no progress is made. So I decided it will be better to go with a bigger, yet still achievable, goal so that I will have to maintain focus on it through out the year in order to achieve it. Ninety-three pounds works out to just under 2 pounds per week in a year, a completely reasonable rate of weight loss.

Specific steps to achieving a 93 pound weight loss in 2010 is:

• Break it down into small goals. Each month I will set a goal weight loss for the month in order to keep me on track towards achieving my goal for the year. For January, my goal is going to be 10 pounds.
• Food. Keep a food journal and track calories. Initially, my goal will be to keep it under 2,500 calories per day. I will reevaluate my calorie level as time goes by and adjust as necessary.
• Exercise. Each month I will set a goal for the amount of time I spend exercising for that month. With a monthly goal I can make adjustments as time goes by and I lose weight and get more fit. For January, my goal is 360 minutes (6 hours). So, on average, I will need to exercise for 20 minutes for 18 days of January. Probably doesn't seem like much to alot of you but at my current weight back pain while exercising is a major problem. Twenty minutes is about as much as I can stand to do. I fully anticipate this will improve greatly as the weight comes off. My exercises of choice for January will be walking outside, walking on my treadmill, stationary cycling at the community clubhouse, and doing EA Sports Active (Wii).
• Measuring Success and Keeping Accountable. I will use a simple monthly calendar to track my daily successes with stickers (yes, I am 40 on the outside and 14 on the inside). One sticker will be for keeping my food journal and staying within my calorie budget for the day. Another sticker will be for any day that I exercise. I'll also track my exercise minutes in the calendar. I will be weighing in on Saturdays and posting results.

2. I will make having fun and relaxing a priority in my life.

My life is chock full of "have-to-do's" and nearly completely devoid of "want-to-do's". This is bullshit. I am 40 years old and if I am not going to start living now, then when? It easier to have enough fun when you are younger and have more time. But now I feel like I need to make an appointment for fun otherwise it's just not going to happen. There is so much I "have-to-do" in my life that unless I make it a point to get to some of my "want-to-do's" it will never happen, as evidenced by the entire year of 2009.

To this end, I will do at LEAST one fun or relaxing thing each week. I am currently working up a list of at least 52 things I can do for fun so I have some ideas to go to rather that sitting around saying, "I'm supposed to be having fun but there's nothing to do!" The sad part is, I am having a hard time coming up with that many. It seems I have been funless for so long I have forgotten how! The list I have so far includes spending a day reading and really enjoying a book cover to cover (instead of just getting a few pages in as I fall into bed exhausted every night), taking a craft class of some kind (crochet maybe?), getting a facial, and a few other things. I am happy to hear any suggestions you have. Nothing is too big or too small. I really do need some help here.

3. I will reduce my work-related stress.

The details on this one I am going to keep to myself for now. Suffice it to say that I am WELL aware the negative impact that too much work stress has had on my life and health and that it needs to change.