Weigh-in: 1.4 down, 126.4 to go

No picture this week.  My phone battery is dead and I left my charger at work.

I lost 1.4 pounds this week and broke the 75 pound mark.  Very happy with that.  I'm making it a personal goal to have lost 100 pounds by my birthday, which is on November 24.  That's approximately 12 weeks away so should be a doable goal. 

Changes I noticed this week:

• Went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant I was at several months ago and fit in the chairs.  Last time I was there I was squeezed into my chair and felt like an elephant.
• Shopping at Lane Bryant, I was able to fit easily into size 22's.  I was even able to fit in a fitted jacket sized 22.  Much better than when I was busting out of even their larger sizes.  I still remember the experience that prompted me to write this post.

Weigh in: 2.9 lost, 180.8 to go

That's more like it. Moving in the right direction. By no means was I perfect this week but I did some things right.

This interview opportunity that recently presented itself may end up a very good thing for me, regardless of whether or not I get the job.

My eyes have been opened. Yes, I knew I was really fat. I knew I had gained since last year. I knew I needed to lose weight. But I don't think I was really SEEING myself and just far out of hand my weight had gotten. It was so shocking to me the first time I tipped the scales at over 300 pounds. But I think I have become desensitized to it because here I am at almost 350 now. Would I have gone to 400 without some kind of wake up call? I don't know.

Yesterday I went shopping trying to find something to wear for my interview this week. And in those Lane Bryant dressing rooms I really SAW myself. I am big. I am not chubby, overweight, or "could stand to lose a few". I am really really really BIG.

I was squeezing myself into LB's largest size, 26/28, and, depending on the style, I couldn't even fit into some of the things that size. I suddenly remembered when I used to hover around 200 and I'd be in there buying 14/16's or 18/20's I'd see those super huge 26/28's and wonder how big you'd need to be to wear those clothes that looked like tents. Well, now I know. And I can't believe that's where I am.

And as I tried on the clothes it was like a workout. My heart rate was up and I was starting to sweat. When I was finished I had to sit on the bench and catch a breather before I left the dressing room to make my purchases. As I sat there I got a side view of myself. My body is expansive. I just cannot believe how big it is.

And that is when I realized how much denial I had been in all this time. I didn't fully comprehend how large I had become. It was hard to take. I was just sort of amazed sitting there looking at my sprawling belly and thought, "I don't belong in here." And by "in here" I didn't mean Lane Bryant or that dressing room. I meant my body. I literally feel like the real me is buried inside this fat. Trapped. I don't feel myself this way and others certainly don't know the real me this way.

I want this visual slap in the face to be my wake up call. My situation is serious. And I have to treat it as such. My health has got to stay on the top of my priority list no matter what.

I have no where to go but up (and by up I mean down the scale) from here. My only focus is the upcoming week is getting to that first 5 pound mark by sticking to my healthy eating plan and getting in some exercise.

My Book Needs a New Cover

Lately I have been watching alot of reruns of TLC's "What Not To Wear" and it inspired me to try to make a little more effort in my wardrobe than I have been. I basically wear the same 4 pairs of pants and maybe 6 or 7 different tops to work. I have 2 pairs of shoes I routinely wear to work, one of the pairs being flip- flops. Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with me in the 360 degree mirror. I definitely do NOT have a wardrobe befitting my profession.

I am a CPA working in the financial reporting department of a publicly traded comany. I am pursuing my MBA degree part time at night in hopes of achieving a higher position someday. And I fear my appearance will sabotage my hard work, if it hasn't already. I am not necessarily complaining about this or calling it unfair. The fact is we all make judgments about people based on their appearances.

We'd like to think we don't, but we do. If I wanted to hire a professional person, say someone to manage my investment portfolio, who would impress me more? The professionally dressed and put together person? Or the one in old worn out clothes and flip flops? The choice would be easy.

Our appearance and how we maintain it says alot about us whether we want it to or not. And while we cannot all be great beauties and runway models or have unlimited shopping budgets, we can make our best efforts with what we've got. For me, weight loss will take time so there is nothing about that aspect of my appearance I can change immediately. But I can do my best with where I am now rather than doing what I am currently doing. And that is avoiding clothes shopping at all costs while sticking with the few pieces I have that fit and wearing them until they are worn out altogether. By the time I am finished with an item of clothing it is so worn out I won't even donate it to charity. These are not the sorts of clothes a professional person should be wearing to work.

So I put myself out there and made an effort to shop. And let's face it, shopping is not fun when you are 5'11" and 325 pounds. Clothes were not made to fit me. But that just means I have to work harder and try on more things to find what works. And work I did. I spent 4 hours on my feet, traipsing from one plus-sized department to another, from one fat girl store to another. I lugged alot of clothes around hell-bent on trying new things and buying only what fit and what I really liked. No more buying things that are too tight hoping to fit in them one day. All that does is discourage me. I open a closet full of clothes but only have a few things I can wear. From now on I will only buy what fits and I will begin moving all the too small things into another closet so I don't have to look at them each morning. I want to open my closet and know what is in there I can wear.

Even though it was hard work and I often got discouraged yesterday, I did find a few things I can add to my work wardrobe. So many things are unflattering at this weight, even things that are made in my size. My body feels misshapen to me when I put things on and they look horrible. But I won't give up. I will just keep putting myself out there. I have to admit that I did learn that some of the department stores are starting to carry a bit more selection in the plus-sized departments. Usually I feel like I have to stick with Lane Bryant and The Avenue. But I found that Macy's had a few nice things, including Calvin Klein jeans in plus-sizes although they were too short for me. But still, it was good to realize that maybe there are a few more places I can shop.

I think I will give this shopping thing a try again in a few weeks. I really do want to do a better job of projecting a professional image no matter what my weight.

Torrid: It's Horrid!

The other weekend, in an effort to expand my lame wardrobe, I decided to drive across town to check out Torrid. It's a plus-sized shop I had only recently heard of. I checked it out online first and it appeared to cater to the 20-something crowd but I decided to go there anyway. My impression of Torrid? Horrid!

Let's face it, plus-sized apparel has never been known for it's high quality fabric or construction, but this was worse that anything I had ever seen at Lane Bryant or The Avenue. Everything was VERY cheaply made. The fabrics were atrocious. I started to try on this pair of pants then noticed that the fabric literally seemed like woven plastic....like if you set them on fire they would melt. This is what you get for $48 at Torrid? I put them down and left. But the silver lining was that I did get some extra steps on my pedometer that day walking to and from the mall parking lot.

Shopping Thin/Shopping Fat

A few days ago I went wedding dress shopping with a friend (her wedding, not mine). My friend is slim and gorgeous. She tried at least a dozen dresses and each and every one looked beautiful on her. It was striking to me how different her shopping experience was from my own experiences. She was having so much fun trying on these dresses. Each one she would exclaim was beautiful and how would she ever choose one. THIS was her biggest problem: too many to choose from.

Then there is me, severely overweight. The best I can hope in a shopping experience is to find something that will fit, that will button, that will zip, that will cover my body. I do not choose clothes because I love them, because I think they are beautiful, because they are fashionable, or because they are particularly flattering on me. I choose whatever I can find that fits. That is all.

I wondered, as I sat there cringeing in the room of 360 degree mirrors, how many different types of shopping experiences had our sales girl at David's Bridal witnessed in her career? I am sure they have run gamut, from the thin, beautiful girl whose biggest problem is choosing among all the lovely gowns to the less-than-thin girl who is crushed when the dresses don't fit or the one that she loves is unflattering on her. My heart breaks for that girl. I am that girl.

I wonder if my friend even realizes how lucky she is, how different her experiences are, because she is thin. I doubt it. How could she?

Target: Best Store Evah!!!

A couple weeks ago I had promised myself in this post that I would take better care of myself by buying some decent clothes. Well, I haven't done it yet mostly because my 20% off coupon at The Avenue is not good until June 19 and that bitch, Lane Bryant, has not sent me any coupons lately.

Today at Target though I stumbled upon some cute, colorful t-shirts in the Women's department for $6.98 each. I got four of them for workout wear. I have been rotating the same ugly, shapeless, grey men's XXXL t-shirts for at least 2 years now. I thought I deserved some happy colors to work out in, don't you?

I love Target. You never know what you are going to find there when you're not even looking for it. Also, it's the little things that really make me happy!

Would You Treat Your Kid Like That?

The other day I was listening to a podcast by Jillian Michaels, famous/infamous trainer from The Biggest Loser. She was talking about meeting some of the latest contestants for the upcoming TBL season. She said she had asked one of the men what he most looked forward to and he told her to own a nice pair of slacks. She was suprised by this and he explained that he had very few clothes he could wear and what he did have was ripped or worn out. He just didn't want to buy clothes in his size always thinking he would lose weight. So she asked the question, "Would you treat your kid like that? Would you send him to school in rags?"

Now, I don't have any kids, but I would imagine if I did my answer to that question would be "Hell no!" But yet I treat myself this way. I am just like that guy Jillian was talking about. Even though I have a professional, corporate job, I have crappy clothes and look crappy when I go to work. I do not look like the degreed and certified accountant that I am. I have 1 pair of khakis, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of capris (also khaki) and one pair of black pants that have a busted zipper and have to be safety-pinned. These are the 4 things I rotate each week along with some crappy t-shirts, mostly the same one in varying colors. There have been weeks I have worn the same pair of jeans 3 of the 5 days....always skipping days in between hoping no one will notice.

I am stuck, just like that TBL contestant, not wanting to buy clothes in my size because "I am going to lose weight" and don't want to waste the money. Then I don't lose weight and I have spent 6, 7, 8 months wearing the same things over and over until they are worn out. Once they are worn out I keep wearing them awhile longer and then I finally cave in and go buy a few more ugly, poorly made, overpriced pieces of polyester crap to wear (I am looking at you, Lane Bryant) and start the process over again.

No more. Yes, I am fat but I still deserve to try to look as nice as I can. This weekend I am going shopping for work clothes. I would never send my kid to school in the same crappy clothes over and over and I am not going to do it to myself anymore either. If they are too big in a couple of months, so be it. Someone shopping at Goodwill who needs larger sizes can benefit from my success.

That is all. Oh....if you are interested in Jillian's weekly podcast, you can download it here. http://kfiam640.com/cc-common/podcast/single_podcast.html?podcast=SUNDAY.xml .She does the live show on Sunday mornings and the podcast is usually up by the next day. I've learned quite a bit listening to her show.