That's more like it. Moving in the right direction. By no means was I perfect this week but I did some things right.
This interview opportunity that recently presented itself may end up a very good thing for me, regardless of whether or not I get the job.
My eyes have been opened. Yes, I knew I was really fat. I knew I had gained since last year. I knew I needed to lose weight. But I don't think I was really SEEING myself and just far out of hand my weight had gotten. It was so shocking to me the first time I tipped the scales at over 300 pounds. But I think I have become desensitized to it because here I am at almost 350 now. Would I have gone to 400 without some kind of wake up call? I don't know.
Yesterday I went shopping trying to find something to wear for my interview this week. And in those Lane Bryant dressing rooms I really SAW myself. I am big. I am not chubby, overweight, or "could stand to lose a few". I am really really really BIG.
I was squeezing myself into LB's largest size, 26/28, and, depending on the style, I couldn't even fit into some of the things that size. I suddenly remembered when I used to hover around 200 and I'd be in there buying 14/16's or 18/20's I'd see those super huge 26/28's and wonder how big you'd need to be to wear those clothes that looked like tents. Well, now I know. And I can't believe that's where I am.
And as I tried on the clothes it was like a workout. My heart rate was up and I was starting to sweat. When I was finished I had to sit on the bench and catch a breather before I left the dressing room to make my purchases. As I sat there I got a side view of myself. My body is expansive. I just cannot believe how big it is.
And that is when I realized how much denial I had been in all this time. I didn't fully comprehend how large I had become. It was hard to take. I was just sort of amazed sitting there looking at my sprawling belly and thought, "I don't belong in here." And by "in here" I didn't mean Lane Bryant or that dressing room. I meant my body. I literally feel like the real me is buried inside this fat. Trapped. I don't feel myself this way and others certainly don't know the real me this way.
I want this visual slap in the face to be my wake up call. My situation is serious. And I have to treat it as such. My health has got to stay on the top of my priority list no matter what.
I have no where to go but up (and by up I mean down the scale) from here. My only focus is the upcoming week is getting to that first 5 pound mark by sticking to my healthy eating plan and getting in some exercise.
Posts
12 comments:
I know how tough it can be when you go to get new clothes. You've lost the weight before, so you know you can do it if you stick to your plan. We all need a wakeup call from time to time.
Think positive. Hang in there.
Oh I love your profile, I am new to this blogging thing. I am trying to create one myself. How did you get the ticker on there?
We all need a wakeup call from time to time. Weight and balancing life can be a constant issues sometimes for me, I am sure it can be for you also. Hang in there.
I had that same moment! Except mine did not come from looking in the mirror. I could not see it that plainly I guess. Mine was looking at pictures. I would look at a picture and think "man, who ate me?" And then I would remember getting dressed that day and looking in the mirror and thinking I did not look that bad. Obviously I was mistaken.
Don't the first few pounds feel so good? Just remember THAT feeling and it will help get you through each day.
Good luck on the interview!
Congratulations on a great loss and on deciding to start putting yourself and your health first!
I know exactly what you mean about being in denial . . . I went through exactly the same thing. I just hated shopping for clothes because it made me face how big I had gotten, but really *seeing* that was absolutely necessary for me to become willing to prioritize my weightloss.
I'm really glad you found some things you liked at LB . . . knock the recruiter dead at that pre-interview!
You have nearly shredded that first 5 lb goal! I think the same thing...I think, man I have lost 20 lbs, I look GOOD, then I see a picture and I realize...nope. Not good, but better.
I can so relate to this, Deb! But you are headed in the right direction! I'm so incredibly proud of you, girl! I hope you were able to find some clothes you like. I went shopping for an Easter outfit--ha! That was a hoot! Needless to say, I didn't find anything. So frustrating.
Bethany
Great post! Sounds like you're on your way to success! I hate clothes shopping and wish I had a personal tailor! :)
Keep up the great work!!
I could have written this post!
Congrats on your loss - that is awesome! And 3 lbs is nothing to poo poo, that is significant. The honesty in your posts is always so refreshing. Thank you for saying what most of us are usually thinking.
I hate going shopping at my current weight. In fact, I haven't been in a dressing room for 2 years. Any time I needed something, I just ordered it online and hoped that it fit. And I hate living that way! I can't wait until I can walk in any clothing store and actually fit into something.
Please know that you are not alone in how you feel about your body. I feel the same way. I feel like the real me is being smothered by a layer of thick, roly-poly fat.
But... the good news is... we CAN lose this weight and set ourselves free in the process! Hang in there. Just take it one day at a time and do the best that you can each day... and the weight WILL come off! :)
Oh, I can't even tell you how much this was like reading out of my own brain. I have been there, I am there. I understand EXACTLY. Good for you for committing to your health. Good job on the loss, and cheers to another great week ahead!
Post a Comment