Happy New Year and the Return of the Prodigal Blogger

Happy New Year, everyone! I've been away from blogland...well....looks like six months now. In 2010 I lost my mojo. My blogging mojo, my weightloss mojo, my LIFE mojo. And so I gave up. I just dropped out.

But now I am back and ready to reclaim my mojo.

I weighed in at 351.5 today. Basically the same as I weighed last year at this time. Could be worse. Could definitely be worse. With the announcement of Weight Watchers new plan recently, I decided to give it my final (and succussful!) go. I restarted on December 4, 2010 at 357.2, yet another all-time high weigh-in, I might add. But that is OK. I am happy to be down 5.7 pounds my first four weeks back on the plan. That's pretty danged good considering the holidays and other "life" things that have been going on with me lately.

Everyone's doing their reflecting back on the prior year and setting goals for this new year. And I am doing the same and will be posting about it soon.

I am glad to be back. I've been slowly catching up with everyone again. Yes, I have been lurking! So many have done incredibly well and I'm looking forward to joining the ranks of successful losers and healthy live-ers this year.

Here's to fabulous new year!!!!

Weigh in: 6 gained, 182 to go

Guess I shouldn't have eaten that salty popcorn at the movies the night before weigh-in.

I was hoping to hit the 10 pound mark this week but had a major setback as you can see. I'm not happy about it, but I am not super upset either. I know a good chunk of this weight is water retention. It's just that time of the month. Plus the popcorn. Ce la vie!

This week I plan on swilling down lots and lots of water to get this flushed out of my system.

I'm also planning on tracking my points this week. I haven't really been doing that but I've decided it's time to get a little more structured with it.

Not much else going on. I am enjoying a 4 day weekend, which I sorely needed. Nothing too exciting going on. Just taking care of things around the house and working on school stuff. It's just nice to be able to sleep in a little and not have to go to the office.

Weigh in: 2.6 lost, 176 to go

Good weigh in this morning. I lost 2.6 and am ever so close to the 10 pound mark. I can't really say that I am the perfect Weight Watcher right now. In fact, I am far from it. But what I seem to be doing is easing my way back into better habits and not expecting perfection.



When you think about it, it takes a pretty major effort to maintain your body weight at 180 pounds over its ideal. I mean, to get that far gone you really have to be WORKING at it. And I was. No exercise, stressful lifestyle, not enough sleep, and way too many trips to the drive through.



It seems I am finally realizing what so many others already have figured out....small changes work. You don't have to go from working REALLY hard to keep yourself 180 pounds overweight to working REALLY hard to lose the 180 pounds. It's just too great a switch to make. I know, Thank you, Captain Obvious. I've heard lots of people say they started out slow, making small changes. But for some reason I didn't think that would work for me. Well, guess what? It is.



I haven't started some rigorous exercise routine. I walk my dog for 15 minutes every now and then. I haven't tracked every single bit of food that goes in my mouth. I'm not even eating perfectly healthily. I still hit the drive through when I am busy and didn't get a lunch packed. It's just I order one meal instead of two. I'm trying to be a little more conscious about drinking more water. But doing just those things I am almost at 10 pounds lost.



Could it be more if I were a perfect Weight Watcher? Yes. But my head isn't there yet. When I think about writing down my food and counting points I can feel rebellion welling up inside me. So for now, I will keep doing what I am doing and try to continue to make small improvements as I go. I'll keep attending my Weight Watcher meeting because I like the accountability of the weigh in. And because I have lucked upon the best Weight Watchers leader I have ever encountered. She gets that it is not just about eating less and exercising. She gets there is a mental and emotional aspect to all this. And the other meeting members get it too. It seems to be a really great group and I hope to make some connections there over time. There are a few people in there who have lost significant amounts of weight - 100+ pounds.



So I am happy where I am at right now. I'm not going to over analyze it. I'm just gonna go with it.

Racing (?), Limping, Resting, and Napping For The Cure

Holy crap people, I walked a 5K today. No way I thought I could do it. I hadn't trained for it. My walks consist of 10 minutes around the block with Buster. Oh, and I weigh almost 350 pounds. But I walked a 5K today, dammit.

I probably would not have subjected myself to this today (it was really freakin' hard!) except that it was the Race for The Cure and we did it to support one of my good friends who has just finished treatment and surgery for breast cancer. She's only 35!


So how did it go down? Well, first of all I almost talked myself out of doing it more than once, including this morning when my alarm went off. But the thought of letting my friend down and the idea that she had been through months of treatment and surgery and was still going to do the walk finally made me lug my butt out of bed and get ready.

The walk started out very slow as there were 16,000 people there all bunched up at the starting line. It was sunny and a nice cool breeze was blowing. Very nice. I made it through the first mile doing pretty well. We weren't walking real fast but it was a workout to me while the others were just on a leisurely stroll. I was breathing hard and my back was starting to hurt. I just tried to focus on the breeze and the blue skies and not my physical discomfort.

About 1.5 miles in we hit the hills. Oh shit. At first the hills were OK because for some reason it made my back feel better to walk uphill. But I was really getting winded. I finally had to stop and sit down for a few minutes to catch my breath. The others hadn't noticed that I stopped and went on. That was OK. Once I got started again I was able to walk at my own pace rather than trying to keep up with them. That helped.

Every so often in that second half of the race where I was walking alone, I had to stop and sit. I was determined to finish but doubt was starting to creep in. I wasn't paying alot of attention to anyone else but I do have to say a couple of people were quite kind to this fat lady huffing and puffing and sweating. One asked if I was OK when I stopped to sit awhile. Another offered me a bottle of water as we went up another torturous hill. One one hand, it was embarrassing to realize people were noticing my struggle. On the other, it was good to realize some people still know how to be kind, rather than rude or judgmental.

In the homestretch of the walk, I could see the finish line and knew my friends were there waiting because they had texted me. As I kept trudging along I saw a little old lady who looked to be in her 80's, bent with osteoporosis, pass me up. Damn. That was some harsh reality.

But, I finished. Yes, indeed, I did. It took me one hour and 30 minutes, but I finished. I was proud that I had but also completely spent. I decided not to stick around for the festivities that followed because I was too exhausted to want to be standing around much longer so I said my goodbyes and hobbled several blocks back to my car.

I had intended to hit the late Weight Watchers meeting after the walk, but since it took me so much longer than I had thought it would, I missed it. So I headed home where I cleaned up and promptly fell asleep for several hours. I was exhausted.

Tonight my feet and ankles are very sore and I am limping around. I am proud of my accomplishment today. At the same time, it is a brutal wake up call as to how out of shape I am and how much my weight hinders me.

I don't think I'll be doing another 5K for awhile because it took too much out of me. But it did make me want to step up my exercise just a bit and start getting this weight off and getting some of my fitness back.

The Slippery Slope and Feeling Kinda Dumb

I skipped my WW meeting this week. I skipped it because I didn't want to weigh in. I didn't want to weigh in because I ate crap food all week.

So it's the slippery slope again. Two weeks on track, week three wheels are off.

And the thing is I REALLY wanted to go to the meeting. I am loving the meeting leader and can feel a sense of comraderie amongst the members. And I got the sense that this was the first WW meeting I have EVER been to (and I've been to lots) where the leader and the members GET that this weight loss thing is about more than just counting points and exercising. I have the sense that THIS is the WW meeting that really will help me change my life.

So right now I'm feeling kinda dumb that I let my week of poor choices be the thing that stood in the way of getting the support I needed this week.

It's a new week now. I'm trying again. And I'm going to my meeting on Saturday. No matter what.

Weight in: 0.4 lost, 178.2 to go

I weighed in at Weight Watchers today and was happy with just a 0.4 pound loss. That puts me at 7 total. I wasn't as faithful to tracking my food as I was the first two weeks so I am happy I eeked out a small loss. I am really motivated to give it my best shot this week and maybe hit the 10 pound mark next Saturday.

At today's meeting they gave us a 6 week training guide for walking a 5K. It starts out very slow with just 10 minutes of walking. Perfect for me. I want to incorporate this in with my water aerobics.

I'm loving my new Weight Watchers meeting. The leader is fabulous and has lost 100 pounds herself. And the meeting members are really open and supportive of each other. I feel like I have hit the jackpot finding this meeting.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about things.

Return of the Prodigal Blogger

I'm back. In some ways I was never gone because I continued to keep up reading the blogs that I follow. I just wasn't posting because I wasn't feeling like I had much to contribute to the blogosphere these days. I commented on other blogs occasionally. But mostly I have spent the last month lurking. I continue to struggle but I have not given up. OK, I had given up for awhile. But I am un-giving up now.

So it's been a month.

What's new?
1. I am back in Weight Watchers meetings. I've gone 2 weeks in a row now and am down 6.6 pounds.
2. I am actually listening during my meetings and reading the weekly materials. Because I've been a WW member on and off for 10+ years, I pretty much think I know everything there is to know about the plan. I'm trying to go in with a different, more open, attitude this time. There are some success stories in that meeting room. Maybe if I'd quit thinking I know it all and just listen I might learn something.
3. I am back in water aerobics. I signed up for classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. This will be the extent of my exercise for now. I don't want to bite off more that I can chew.

What's not new?
1. Still struggling with depression but am being more proactive about dealing with that. I wouldn't say I am actually better, but I think I can see that I will be some day. That in itself is a major improvement. The past couple of months I have felt fairly hopeless about pretty much everything. So even though I am not back to my usual perky self, I believe that I will be one day...sooner rather than later.
2. My job. Still not real happy in that arena. Taking some fledgling steps to try to fix this but I won't say much about that on my blog. Just know it has been and continues to be one of my struggles.


I'm glad to be back. I'm glad to be feeling a glimmer of hope again. Thanks to those to emailed to check on me while I was gone. And, yes, I did end up going to the Biggest Loser casting call. But I'll save that for another post.

Group Support: Sometimes It's Twisted

I think most will agree that having the support of like minds is an immeasureable asset to people trying to lose weight. For me, I think it also has the danger of messing with your head or putting undue pressure on you.

Case in point:

Yesterday I had to go to the DPS office to renew my driver's license. While waiting in line I realized I was behind my former Weight Watchers leader. So I said hello and we started chatting about the fact it was both our birthdays, Thanksgiving was coming, etc. Then, out of nowhere, she starts telling me how sometimes it can be embarrassing to run into her WW members outside of the meeting. She said the day before she had been eating dinner at IHOP and was nervous someone would see her because "how can you be 'good' at IHOP?" I just laughed and said, "I guess you do the best you can and maybe leave some on the plate." Then she started justifying what she had eaten at IHOP. "I got the pot roast but told them to leave the gravy off. It was really dry. And I had it with broccoli and corn." I could not give a rip what she ate at IHOP and yet here she was justifying it to me as though I had caught her red-handed with her face in a short stack drenched in syrup.

You know, this is one of the things I hate about "group dieting". The guilt. I didn't see her eating at IHOP but clearly she felt so guilty about it she had to justify it to me. A day later. It was still bugging her a day later. I wasn't even there! I haven't been to her meetings in weeks. It strikes me as a bit twisted.

What I know is I don't want to trade my current set of twisted food behaviors for a different set of twisted behaviors. I just want to have a healthy mindset surrounding food. I don't want to feel guilty one way or the other. I just want to learn to eat healthy most of the time and realize that into every life a little IHOP will creep and to not freak out about it when it does. Or try to justify it to near total strangers at the driver's license office.

So sometimes, I think it's better to keep your weightloss efforts to yourself. Or at least be selective as to who you let into your inner weightloss circle.

Weigh in: 1.2 lost, 176.2 to go

Still moving in the right direction on the scale. My focus continues to be getting my food in line and tracking everything on Weight Watchers online. Exercise continues to be walks around the block with my dog and continued unpacking. Yes, it's taking me a long time. It's really hard work on me at this weight so I have to do alot of stopping and resting my back. Doing that all the time really slows your progress. But it's exercise for me so I'll just keep plugging away at it.

I'm a pound away from my second 5 pound goal. That means I will have earned two charms for the charm bracelet I am rewarding myself with. I posted about it somewhere and for the life of me I can't find it to link to, but I bought myself an empty charm bracelet and plan to fill it with a new charm for every 5 pounds I lose.

Another busy week coming up. Something big is afoot at work and I don't know what it is yet. I just know I am headed in to manager's meeting this afternoon. Yes, on a Sunday. And, no, this has never happened before. Something's cooking, that is for sure.

[And can we just ignore the fact that I am in dire need of a pedicure and that I caughty my belly in this picture? K? Thanks. :)]

Weigh in: 0 lost, 184 to go

Still hanging in at 349 this week. Didn't really make any efforts towards losing weight this week although I am noticing that I am doing MUCH less snacking on crap out of the vending machines at work. Like pretty much none. Baby steps.

This afternoon I am going to a Weight Watchers meeting. Yeah, I dumped WW awhile back but maybe I need the formality of a program back. Fact of the matter is, the last time I lost weight and was at 195 it was while I was doing WW. I understand that it's not the magic of WW. It's the magic of actually sticking to something.

I am ready to lose some frickin' weight already.

What's New Pussycat?

whoa-whoa-whoa.....Sorry, was temporarily channeling Tom Jones.

So, I've been MIA for a few weeks due to a dead laptop. What is new with me in the meantime? Well, I have been going to water aerobics 4-5 times per week and getting in the occasional walk with my dog. I am feeling pretty good about that. Foodwise...well, as always it's a bit of a struggle.

A while back I said goodbye to Weight Watchers because it was making me feel a little nuts. I had stopped weighing weekly and decided I would just try to eat "intuitively." During this process I gained about 8 more pounds putting me at a new all time high of 333. So, crazy though I may be, I am back to doing Weight Watchers. I am not going to meetings but I have been tracking my food with their online tracker for a couple of weeks now. It's going OK. My eating is not perfect and I do go over my points some days. I just decided not to freak out about it. I am actually finding the online tracking easier to keep up with than writing it down. Plus it makes it easy to look at a high level summary of your week so you can see where you are really blowing it out...what days, what meals, etc.

So that's where I am on the diet and exercise front....I am splish-splashin' away and I am working slowly but surely toward improving my eating habits.

As for the rest of my life, it feels out of control. I try to put on a happy face and force myself to feel well. I have been doing this along time and as time goes by the facade becomes harder and harder to maintain. I am tired and irritable most of the time. I sleep way too much. About half the time I am on the verge of tears. I feel like a ticking time bomb, having emotional outbursts in places that I shouldn't (work), which is pretty unlike me. I feel unmotivated. Not just with weight-loss, but with everything. The smallest things seem like more than I can take on. For example, if the trash is full and needs to go out it takes everything I can muster to get myself to do it. The very idea of having to carry it out my backdoor, across the backyard, and out the back gate to my trash bin just seems like an insurmountable task. It's not a laziness thing. I can't explain what this feeling feels like. But I can tell you what I think it is....depression.

Now before you think this is going to turn into a pity party, it is not. I was treated for depression once before and I think it is back. I am ready to take charge of my health and to get back to feeling myself. I have an appointment next week with a doctor who hopefully can help me. Yes, I feel terrible most of the time but I am grateful that I am aware what is happening to me and that I am going to get help for it.

Goodbye, Weight Watchers

I have finally done what I never thought I'd do. I have said goodbye to Weight Watchers. I have been a Weight Watchers member for years. I have always felt it was the best and most liveable diet plan out there. And yet I keep paying them my $40 a month and I have done nothing but gain weight. The only thing lighter is my bank account. I am in no way blaming Weight Watchers for this. I still say if you follow their plan you should lose weight. I wasn't following it so I didn't lose weight.

So why wasn't I following it if I believed it was the best plan out there? Well, I guess it just hooks into all my compulsiveness surrounding food, my disordered eating, my perfectionism, and my shame surrounding my weight and food. I know keeping a food journal is the key the success of many losers. For me it is something to rebel against, to give up on when it's not perfect. I am tired of feeling guilty if I don't write it down, weigh it, measure it, or if I gain weight. I don't want to feel "good" or "bad" anymore. I just want a healthy lifestyle. I want to learn to eat mostly healthy foods without freaking out at the occasional treat or meal out. I don't want to worry if I am calculating the points right on foods I didn't prepare myself. I want to incorporate exercise into my daily life without thinking about the points that I am earning for it. I want to exercise because it is fun and good for me not because it will earn me more food.

This is how doing WW feels to me. And it is not working for me. Everytime I buy a fresh new food journal so I can "start over" it is just another incidence of insanity....doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So I am done with it. Starting now my focus is on choosing healthy foods, cutting back on processed, sugary foods, and continuing to find ways to incorporate exercise into my daily life.

Do over

I am the queen of the "do over". I know it's a manifestation of my all-or-nothing thinking that contributes to the difficulty I have getting healthy. But here I am calling another "do over". I have continued to binge on junk since my "frickety frick" post. I am ready to be done.

As part of my "do over" I have decided to cancel my Weight Watchers membership. Don't get me wrong, I think WW is the best and most realistic program out there. IMHO, it is the only plan where no food is off-limits and the focus is more on portion control, i.e, you can have A brownie, just not the entire PAN of brownies. Also, I really like the whole Points concept as I find it easier than tracking calories, fat grams, etc.

Despite what I like about the program, I decided to cancel anyway. I find I have too much shame at going to weigh in's after I have had a binge week. And then when I don't weigh in, that just sets me up for another week of no accountability. So I have decided to buy a scale (didn't own one before) and do my own weekly weigh-ins where I can feel comfortable facing the truth without fear of judgment. I will continue to follow a revised WW plan. The revision will be that I am going to increase the number of daily points I allow myself. At my current weight, I was getting 37 points per day plus my 35 weekly points allowance. I am going to give myself 45 points daily and go back to the old plan of "banking" points rather than the WPA thing. Basically, the 45 points covers my basal metabolic rate calories.

Anyway, I am ready for my "do over" now. As for the support I will miss by not going to WW meetings, well, I can get that from the online communities I am involved in.

Here I go now. Doing over.