Another month down and it's time for an update. I'll save that for tomorrow though. Instead I want to share something that happened today, some thoughts I have been having, and my plans for March 20.
UNRECOGNIZABLE
I'm a big American Idol fan and I keep a framed picture of me and Simon Cowell's wax figure in my office. It was taken in 2004 during my trip to Europe when we were visiting Madam Tussaud's in London. I was about 195 pounds.
Anyhoo....someone I work with was looking at it and said, "She looks really happy but he looks really grumpy." My co-worker had no idea that that was me in that picture. Apparently I am unrecognizable compared to my former self. Pretty depressing.
DESPERATE THOUGHTS
For the past month or so I have been ruminating on many things...my job and what to do about it, my weight and my seeming inability/unwillingness to change it. I have had many "rock bottom" moments over the past year or so, including the one I just mentioned above. I have thought about those moments and it's made me wonder what exactly is it going to take to get me to change my life? I am at the bottom of the well and I just keep digging.
This has led me to some desperate thoughts lately. I started researching weight loss surgery. I wondered (still do) if I have reached the point that there is no way I will change without some sort of major intervention like surgery. After a few weeks of thinking about it and even planning to attend an informational session with a local surgeon, I decided not to go the surgery route. I had two primary reasons: 1) I'm a big chicken and fear the surgery, and 2) I am not sure it would work for me. I worry I would be one of the ones who figures out how to game it and eat more than I should and get fat again or never lose the weight at all. Or that I would become one of those people you hear of who turn to some other addiction when they are physically incapable of indulging in their food addiction.
So for now, I am off the idea of surgery. But I have not stopped feeling like something drastic is going to need to happen in order to snap me out of it and to take control of my life. What would be drastic and yet does not require the surgical re-routing of my innards? This leads us to....
CASTING CALL
The Biggest Loser is holding casting calls in Dallas on March 20. I am so there. I realize there is only the tiniest of chances that I would be picked. But, if nothing else, it will be something out of the ordinary for me. Some small thing that will shake it up even just a little bit from my normal routine of work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat.
I have to fill out an application and then show up to the casting call. Or I could send in an audition video. Or I can do both. I am definitely doing the casting call. If I end up doing a video, I may post in here.
So that's where I'm at these days. We'll talk weighins in the next day or two.
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23 comments:
I am thinking about going to the casting call here in pdx...good luck to you.
Ooh! If you really want to get on the show, I say do both the video AND the casting call!
I hope you get it - it might be just the thing you're looking for to shake things up.
Better days are ahead for you. Please don't give up!
When you go to the casting call, they will tell you to send in a video anyway. I sent in my video before my casting call, and I brought a copy of it to the casting call.
Good luck :)
Best of luck to you !
Awesome! Go do the casting call. I'd watch it every week...oh yeah - I do already. I'd cheer you on though...bye Miggy
If that's the route you'd like to go, give it your all, and good luck! Working to get back in touch with that happy woman in the picture is worth it.
I have also started to think about surgery.
As for BL, I hate the show but I say go for it.
I'm so very sorry you're going through such a rough patch. And I'll definitely light every candle in my house for your success with TBL. I might even watch it again if you were on it. (hee! of course I'd watch it if you were on!)
You wouldn't be going to the casting call if you didn't have a fire inside of you to make that change. Even if you don't end up on the show, you can still use some of the strategies that they use. Perhaps you need to find a personal trainer or an RD to help you. Even if you just have a few sessions every now and again, knowing that someone is checking up on you may help.
Best of luck. It seems like you are in a pretty dark place right now. I hope that you have friends and family to support you.
Good luck on auditions!!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such troubles, but glad you decided to step away from the surgery! Best of luck at the casting call -- I'll send my good wishes along for you.
Hey, you never know - you might just get picked when you go to that casting call! Good luck!!!
Good luck at the casting call! I've been thinking about that myself but not sure I could pull it off with family/work. The boost would certainly be nice. I would cheer for you like crazy!
I have to tell you I was in the same spot (almost) that you are in almost a year ago. I'm 34 years old a mom of 3 and a navy wife. I was so unhappy with myself and couldnt' find it within myself to do this weightloss thing AGAIN and not fear I was going to fail. I too thought about BL when they had casting calls here in Seattle. I ended up not going for fear of leaving my boys. So I looked into surgery and wasnt' sure it was for me. However once I went through all of the information, talked to a therapist, saw a nutritionist, and attended classes, I knew it was just what I needed to get me to where I wanted and needed to be for my family! I am one month out from surgery and it's still a learning process, but it DOES work and you WILL lose weight! I hope you find what is right for you no matter what it is. All I can say is I can totally relate you are not alone in this and if you get on BL, i'll cheer for you every single day! (I just have to add that my word verification is undying... what a coincidence!)
Deb,
Good luck with the BL casting call! If you feel like that will help you, try out!
I know you're in a rough patch right now. I've been there multiple, multiple times. And I'm still trying to climb out of my own well. I just want to say that you CAN get out of the bottom of the well. It's gonna be tough, I'm not gonna lie to you, but you CAN do it. You might be in pain, tears, and sweat, but you can do it. You CAN take control. Your mind is way more powerful than you think.
Don't be doubtful of yourself Deb, you've got too much to offer :) I believe you can do it.
I am in a biggest loser contest in my community. You can start one yourself by posting on a community website. It was amazing how my mindset was changed. I must lose at least 60 lbs....I am turning 50 in April and the thought of going on a diet was hopeless. I could not get my mind near the thought. Yet my life has gotten incredibly small because of this "fat suit" that is taking over the real me and my passions in life. I found the biggest loser group on a "meet up San Diego" site search. Instead of thinking of the dreaded diet my mind was switched to strategy. That was three weeks ago and since then I have joined a team for the three day cancer walk that I wifll train for and have now started this blog. I am searching for support and accountability everywhere and anywhere. I want to feel the freedom that physical and spiritual health offers. I will keep in touch with your blog to get strength qand inspiration.
Good Luck on the casting call!
Good luck and post about it when you get back!!
I know you have been a faithful follower of Bethany of "The Great Reduction". I wanted to let you know that she passed away last night. She dropped dead of a heart attack at Walmart. I don't know her password, so I can't update her blog.
Denise (Her sister)
Deb are you okay? It's been a few weeks since you posted and I just wanted to check in on you. You can email me if you would like at katiejisonherway@gmail.com
Hang in there. You are not alone in trying to get this stuff off and being in your 40's. There are many of us who struggle, every day, daily, every moment, every minute. Just stick to it, even when you can't, keep it moving forward, because every second is another chance.
Peace.
Good luck with the TBL casting calls. The one thing that helped me finally get my act together was to really understand what I wanted the most. Once I knew what I wanted, things started coming together. And I might be in the minority here, but desperation did help me.
How are you doing? Did you do the casting call?
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