Visions of Loveliness

You know that old diet advice that tells you to picture yourself thin, to imagine yourself wearing beautiful clothes and looking your best? Well, I could never do that. I am an accountant. Imagination isn't my strong suit.

But today...today I caught myself smiling as I caught a glimpse of the future me in my mind's eye. And I looked pretty damned hot.

Weigh in: 1.6 lost, 178.1 to go

Well, I am inching my way there. Another small loss but it was enough to push me past my first 5 pound goal. Woohoo! I have decided to start a charm bracelet and reward myself with a new charm for every 5 pounds. By the time I am done, I will probably end up with TWO charm bracelets.

I am happy that my weight is going down. I'd like it to be going down a little bit faster than it is. To do that, I need to get back into the exercise habit. I have done basically no exercise for two weeks. That's not good for my weight loss and that's not good for my plan to walk in the Breast Cancer 3 Day in November.

So this week I need to make it my focus to get at least 4 days of exercise in. And in order to do that, I need to be getting enough sleep. Mornings before work are really the only time I consistenly have to do my exercise and I just can't drag myself out of bed at 5AM when I am staying up too late. So my plan for this week is to start winding down at 9PM each night and to be in bed by 9:30, 10 at the latest. This is the schedule I used to keep back when I exercised every single morning before work and back when I weighed 195. Coincidence? I don't think so.

OK, so it's a new 5 pound goal starting this week. Let's see how big a dent I can put in it!

Weigh in: 1.1 lost, 179.7 to go

Still heading in the right direction and am 1 pound away from my first 5 pound goal.

I got through a really stressful week this past week. I was not perfect and did not get any exercise in but it seems I stayed plugged in enough to my goals to at least lose a pound rather than gaining 3 which is what I have done historically.

My goal for this week is to stay focused on improving my food choices when I am under the gun and to get some exercise in. I'd like to bust through that first 5 pound goal next week.

The Last Straw

I can't stop thinking about my shopping trip over the weekend. Yeah, the one where I came to a full realization that I have done a very drastic thing to my body. And where I started wondering if that was my rock bottom moment. My last straw, if you will.

And the more I remember of that experience, the more I am convinced, yes, it was my last straw. I have been denying to myself how much my weight has started to affect my mobility. But it is. And I can't deny it any longer or else something terrible could happen to me. Like ending up having to ride around the grocery store on one of those scooters. Or having to get a handicapped placard for my car because I can no longer walk across the parking garage to my office building. Or being bedridden and homebound.

Yeah, those are extreme outcomes. But how far am I, really, from them being reality?

The fact is if I stop in someone's office to chat I can only stand to talk to them for a minute or two before I need to sit down. After my shopping excursion, I stopped at a shoestore to try to find something and when I had to wait to check out I was desperately looking for something to lean on because I felt my back would give out. The cashier was looking at my funny because I also was sweating profusely just standing there. Walking back out to my car took a Herculean effort. And by the time I was to my car any thought I had that I would try some other stores was out the window. All my energy was gone. I went home. I was wiped out for the day after an hour long shopping trip.

I am 30-frickin-9. I feel like I am 99. I should be able to stand for more than a couple of minutes. I should be able to try on a few outfits without it draining my energy for the day. It hasn't been this bad until the last couple of months when I put on this last 20-25 pounds.

My body is at it's breaking point and I have to turn things around if I want to keep functioning in even the most basic of ways. I can't believe it has come to this. And why did it have to come to this before I was willing to put my health first?

Maybe the answer to that question doesn't matter. Maybe it's just important that I am starting to move in the right direction again.

Exercise Log #6

4/12/09 1:45PM
Goal: 30 minute Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD
Achieved: 20 minutes
Physical: My lower back was killing me after about 5 minutes. Just too much weight on this body of mine.
Emotional: I felt very negative throughout the workout because it was so painful. I kept trying to change my mind set to “I can” from the “I can’t” but eventually I gave in and gave up. On one hand I was disappointed I gave up on finishing, on the other I am glad I did at least some exercise today because I didn’t originally plan to.

Weigh in: 2.9 lost, 180.8 to go

That's more like it. Moving in the right direction. By no means was I perfect this week but I did some things right.

This interview opportunity that recently presented itself may end up a very good thing for me, regardless of whether or not I get the job.

My eyes have been opened. Yes, I knew I was really fat. I knew I had gained since last year. I knew I needed to lose weight. But I don't think I was really SEEING myself and just far out of hand my weight had gotten. It was so shocking to me the first time I tipped the scales at over 300 pounds. But I think I have become desensitized to it because here I am at almost 350 now. Would I have gone to 400 without some kind of wake up call? I don't know.

Yesterday I went shopping trying to find something to wear for my interview this week. And in those Lane Bryant dressing rooms I really SAW myself. I am big. I am not chubby, overweight, or "could stand to lose a few". I am really really really BIG.

I was squeezing myself into LB's largest size, 26/28, and, depending on the style, I couldn't even fit into some of the things that size. I suddenly remembered when I used to hover around 200 and I'd be in there buying 14/16's or 18/20's I'd see those super huge 26/28's and wonder how big you'd need to be to wear those clothes that looked like tents. Well, now I know. And I can't believe that's where I am.

And as I tried on the clothes it was like a workout. My heart rate was up and I was starting to sweat. When I was finished I had to sit on the bench and catch a breather before I left the dressing room to make my purchases. As I sat there I got a side view of myself. My body is expansive. I just cannot believe how big it is.

And that is when I realized how much denial I had been in all this time. I didn't fully comprehend how large I had become. It was hard to take. I was just sort of amazed sitting there looking at my sprawling belly and thought, "I don't belong in here." And by "in here" I didn't mean Lane Bryant or that dressing room. I meant my body. I literally feel like the real me is buried inside this fat. Trapped. I don't feel myself this way and others certainly don't know the real me this way.

I want this visual slap in the face to be my wake up call. My situation is serious. And I have to treat it as such. My health has got to stay on the top of my priority list no matter what.

I have no where to go but up (and by up I mean down the scale) from here. My only focus is the upcoming week is getting to that first 5 pound mark by sticking to my healthy eating plan and getting in some exercise.

36-24-36?? I Don't Think So!

Holy crap. In the process of doing some online shopping for a suit of some kind to wear for an interview I took my measurements for the first time in a long time. Wow. It is NOT pretty.

Bust - 57.5"
Waist - 60" (that's 5 feet!!!!!!!! I am as big around as some people are tall!)
Hips - My 60" tape measure didn't reach. I would estimate about 62"
Thigh - 30"
Upper arm - 17.5

This must change.

Is This The Opportunity I've Been Hoping For?

I doubt it is wise for me to write in much detail about this seeing that my blog is open for the world to read. But I don't use my full name anywhere so I will at least write something vague about it. I am simultaneously over-the-moon excited about this and fearful of the negative impact my obesity might have on the opportunity that has presented itself. I couldn't not blog about it.

There is a job. On paper it is THE job for me. It is in the industry I love. It is in the city that I love. It is a promotion for me. It has a career path for future growth. I have every single qualification they are looking for. Every single one. It seems like everything I have wished for in my current job but have not be able to get.

So I am meeting the recruiter who is handling this position next week. I have spoken to her on the phone and she is very excited about my experience and how it will fit in with what the hiring company is looking for.

That's all the good stuff. But niggling in the back of my mind is how my obesity might play into this. First of all, I really don't have a professional wardrobe. I literally have nothing to wear to that is even remotely appropriate for a professional job interview. Second of all, let's face facts and just admit people judge books by their covers. And my cover shows a very fat woman. And my experience is that people don't like fat women very much. Is it even possible for me to overcome my appearance with my qualifications and my personality?

Whatever the answer to that question is, I am still going to go through with meeting the recruiter and (hopefully) an interview with the company. I just can't let this opportunity go by without even trying. I won't say "No" to myself even though I am deathly afraid they will say "No" to me. But I am going to be very self-conscious.

And I need to figure out where I can find something professional-looking in my size. Any suggestions?

Continuing to Get My Priorities In Order

As part of my effort to make my health and weightloss my #1 priority, I have bumped my "Magic Numbers" up higher on my side bar. They had gotten buried pretty far down there and I had pretty much forgotten all about them. Kinda defeats the purpose of having them if they aren't within easy eyeshot to be a reminder of what you are aiming for.

I also added a second weight ticker so I can focus not only on the big picture, but also on losing just 5 pounds at a time. Cuz I gots to tell ya...looking at that ticker with 180+ pounds to go on it is downright discouraging.


I needed to do this because I had really lost sight of what my near-term goals were. And it's hard to achieve your goals if you aren't really focused on what they are.

So for now my short-term goal is going to be to lose 5 pounds. My mid-term goal is to get to 324 which would put me at 25 pounds down. I can do this.

Exercise Log #5

4/6/09 6:00AM
Goal: 30 minute Curves workout
Achieved: 30 minutes
Avg heart rate: 124
Physical: Nothing out of the ordinary to report. It was a bit difficult to really push myself in my workout this morning just because I am not used to (yet) these early morning workouts. I will get there though. I used to exercise religiously in the early morning and actually prefer it to evening exercise.
Emotional: I wanted to sleep later SO BADLY this morning. But then I remembered that I MATTER and that an extra hour of sleep really wasn’t going to make me feel any better but 30 minutes of exercise would.

Priority 1 is Me...and This Time I Mean It

I have spent alot of time today thinking about the number I saw on the scale this morning. And I have thought about the fact that I started this weight loss blogging adventure nearly a year ago and during this time have actually managed to GAIN nearly 35 pounds.

My health and weightloss has not been the #1 priority in my life and it needs to be. I mean, shit, I have 180+ pounds to lose. That's no joke, people. And it is a freakin' SERIOUS undertaking that can only be accomplished by making it the most important thing in my life. Losing 180 pounds is not just going to happen accidentally. A focused and concerted effort is going to be required.

And if this means something else has to give, then something else is just going to have to give. If it means that it takes longer than I wanted it to to complete my MBA, then so be it. It doesn't matter if I get that piece of paper and then no one takes me seriously in job interviews because I weigh 350 pounds.

I go back to work tomorrow. And the semester is winding down with all sorts of looming deadlines between now and when I am actually finished. So it will be VERY easy for me to fall back into the same trap of putting every other obligation before the obligation I have to myself to take care of myself.

So in the interest of keeping my focus on my #1 priority - me and my weightloss efforts - I have a new mantra I am going to repeat to myself often throughout the day:

I matter.

Simple. To the point. But exactly what I need to hear. I matter. The things I need to take good care of the only body I will ever have matter. And those things are rest, peace, and time for myself.

I matter. And this time I am making a concerted effort not to let myself forget it.

Weigh in: New All-time High

I swore to myself last night I would post the results of my weigh-in the day bingeing no matter what. So here it is. I can't fix what I ignore or hide from. I am at a new all-time high weight of 348.7. I am frustrated with myself. And embarrassed. I now have 180+ pounds to lose. More than half of my weight. I can hardly believe this is where I am when only 4 years ago I was at a relatively slim 195 pounds. Something has clearly gone wrong with me and I need to fix it.

My goal for the upcoming week is to just focus on one day at a time and to work on putting my health and weightloss as priority #1 in my life. As someone pointed out to me, I was doing well earlier in the week when I was able to make my healthy my first priority. I go back to work tomorrow. So making myself the priority will be more challenging. But it is something I so very clearly need to do.

On a lighter note, my chipped toenails indicate I am in dire need of a pedicure so off I go with fluffy Stephanie Meyer novel in tow to get my feet prettied up.

Anatomy of a Binge

I have been on a stay-cation this week and until yesterday was really enjoying some much-needed downtime and relaxation. I was focusing on getting lots of sleep, exercising, eating right, and reading books for pleasure rather than for a class. I was feeling pretty damned happy and at peace with the world. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I started coming to the realization that I had lots to do and started feeling like I had wasted the five or six days I had just spent relaxing and now I was dreadfully behind on everything. I had a meeting coming up for the marketing project we have to do for one class, I had started the organization project in my home office, my income taxes aren’t done, I am behind in my reading for my finance class, I am going to go back to work and be greeted with another super busy month as we close the first quarter and do the SEC filing, plus I have 3 exams, a group project, and a 30 page paper to complete during April.

It all started overwhelming me and I could feel the stressed out feelings building inside me. It was as though my week of serenity had never happened. And as the stress built every small thing seemed to go wrong. I was dropping things, spilling the contents of my purse all over my car, just little things, but they set me off. I actually pulled my car over and screamed at the top of my lungs trying to purge the stressful feelings out but that did not help. I tried breathing deeply. I tried talking myself down from the edge.

None of that worked and eventually I caved in and sought comfort the only way I apparently know how to get it – with food. It started with ice cream. I tried to be good by buying Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. But if you eat the whole package, they aren’t all that skinny. I ordered a pizza, but I got it with thin crust and veggies instead of fatty meats. I was still trying to mitigate the damage I was doing to myself.

Today I completely threw in the towel and gave up any pretense of trying to eat healthy. It was like I was searching out the very worst things I could find. At the checkout they had snack-sized bags of chips. So I got some. First I grabbed the Baked Lays, again trying to mitigate the damage, but I put them back and got the full fat ones instead. I bought corn dogs and French fries which I pan-fried in oil. I bought a package of premade brownies and vanilla ice cream. And I have eaten all of it.

I know why I was eating. I was stressing out and I wanted that feeling to go away. Nothing else I do seems to soothe those feelings….not screaming in the car to let it out, not crying, not taking deep breaths, not positive self-talk…only eating soothes my feelings. So eventually I gave in and binged. On one had those uncomfortable feelings are gone. But on the other I feel sick. And disappointed. And discouraged. And hopeless. I feel like I will NEVER be able to string together enough healthy eating days to make a dent in this massive blob of a body.
I am also confused. Why am I unable to cope with stressful feelings? I don’t think it was always this way. I would never have made it this far in life if my coping skills had always been this sucky. I don’t know what has happened to me. How I am I ever going to get where I want to go?

SMART Goals: 3rd Monthly Update

I am late giving my monthly update of my 2009 SMART goals. That can only mean one thing...I haven't done so well for March. Here's the latest on the SMART goals:

1. To weigh less than 300 pounds by 1/1/2010. I weighed 337.7 on 1/1/09 and right now I am weighing around 345. Just like last month, I am moving in the wrong direction. Same reasons (excuses) for March as for February - too many working hours. April will be busy with the end of the first quarter but I can't let this trend continue for another month. So in order to stay on track with the food while I am so busy, I have decided to do a local healthy prepared meal plan for April (Diet Gourmet). The fact is I will not find the time to plan meals, grocery shop, and prepare healthy meals during April. Work will be busy, plus I am wrapping up the semester at school and will have 3 exams to take and one 30 page paper to get written by the end of April. Yes, it's a little costly and, no, I don't want to rely on prepared meals forever, but I am finally coming to the realization that I am NOT Superwoman and that I need to give myself help when I need it. And I will need it this month.

2. To have my entire house decluttered and organized by 1/1/2010. My goal has been to spend 1 hour per week working on this task. This did not happen again in March although I am on vacation this week and plan to tackle the scary, paper-filled closet in my home office today. There is a lot to do in there and I will get as much done today as I can. Since I am not doing so well on my original plan of "1 hour of organizing per week". I feel like I need to be more specific with this goal in terms of when I am going to get this hour in. Mondays-Wednesdays I am busy after work with class and with my water aerobics class (if they ever get the pool heater fixed) so I am going to do 15 minute of organizing each day Thursday through Sunday.

3. To complete at least 12 more hours towards my MBA by 1/1/2010. This is the only goal I am progressing well on. I am currently taking 6 hours so I will be halfway to my goal by the end of the spring semester. I am registered for 3 hours during the summer session starting mid-May and I will be registering for 6 hours for the fall. If I stick to that plan, I should finish the year ahead for this goal.

Exercise Log #4

4/1/09 12:15PM
Goal: 30 minute Curves workout
Achieved: 30 minutes
Avg heart rate: 129
Physical: Don’t have much to say except that working out felt really good today and I did a better job of keeping all my lights green compared to last time. I can feel that I am pushing my workout at Curves harder now that I am doing CurvesSmart.
Emotional: Content. It felt good to work out today and I’m glad I did it.