I have been on a stay-cation this week and until yesterday was really enjoying some much-needed downtime and relaxation. I was focusing on getting lots of sleep, exercising, eating right, and reading books for pleasure rather than for a class. I was feeling pretty damned happy and at peace with the world. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I started coming to the realization that I had lots to do and started feeling like I had wasted the five or six days I had just spent relaxing and now I was dreadfully behind on everything. I had a meeting coming up for the marketing project we have to do for one class, I had started the organization project in my home office, my income taxes aren’t done, I am behind in my reading for my finance class, I am going to go back to work and be greeted with another super busy month as we close the first quarter and do the SEC filing, plus I have 3 exams, a group project, and a 30 page paper to complete during April.
It all started overwhelming me and I could feel the stressed out feelings building inside me. It was as though my week of serenity had never happened. And as the stress built every small thing seemed to go wrong. I was dropping things, spilling the contents of my purse all over my car, just little things, but they set me off. I actually pulled my car over and screamed at the top of my lungs trying to purge the stressful feelings out but that did not help. I tried breathing deeply. I tried talking myself down from the edge.
None of that worked and eventually I caved in and sought comfort the only way I apparently know how to get it – with food. It started with ice cream. I tried to be good by buying Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. But if you eat the whole package, they aren’t all that skinny. I ordered a pizza, but I got it with thin crust and veggies instead of fatty meats. I was still trying to mitigate the damage I was doing to myself.
Today I completely threw in the towel and gave up any pretense of trying to eat healthy. It was like I was searching out the very worst things I could find. At the checkout they had snack-sized bags of chips. So I got some. First I grabbed the Baked Lays, again trying to mitigate the damage, but I put them back and got the full fat ones instead. I bought corn dogs and French fries which I pan-fried in oil. I bought a package of premade brownies and vanilla ice cream. And I have eaten all of it.
I know why I was eating. I was stressing out and I wanted that feeling to go away. Nothing else I do seems to soothe those feelings….not screaming in the car to let it out, not crying, not taking deep breaths, not positive self-talk…only eating soothes my feelings. So eventually I gave in and binged. On one had those uncomfortable feelings are gone. But on the other I feel sick. And disappointed. And discouraged. And hopeless. I feel like I will NEVER be able to string together enough healthy eating days to make a dent in this massive blob of a body.
I am also confused. Why am I unable to cope with stressful feelings? I don’t think it was always this way. I would never have made it this far in life if my coping skills had always been this sucky. I don’t know what has happened to me. How I am I ever going to get where I want to go?
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8 comments:
I wish I knew the answers because I've been asking myself the same questions all my life. All we can do is hope tomorrow is better.
Hang in there. Today is almost over and tomorrow is a new chance to start all over again. You CAN beat this. You CAN do this. Good luck, friend.
Ug. I'm sorry that you had this binge, we've all beent here. I read that same story over and over in blogland.
I wish I had an answer to "Why".
The thing that I am keeping in my hand now is this idea that I had first heard applied to sports teams. You often learn more from a game you lose then one you win.
Binging is really unpleasent after its done. But the fact that you can come through that, and then blog about how it was and what you did and how you tried to fight it...well... that will serve you in this long road.
:)
I guess I would say to hold onto the understanding behind why you binged... but if you stay in the binge cycle, all of that will just intensify. I don't have the magic answer to snap out of binge mode- except do it to change... I know that when I pull out of the mode and into moderation I can see the world a little clearer, and I know that I will survive. Forgive yourself, but don't forget what you have learned this time.
I hope you keep posting about all of this. You have support here!
{{{Deb}}} Be kind to yourself - there are very few if any people who could successfully juggle all that you have taken on. Your success at the beginning of the week is your proof that you can do this when you are able to make it a priority.
Kuddos to you for recognizing that you fell back on an old habit and still want to change it.
We have all done it. You can pick up and start again.
I wanted to leave you a message about personal trainers. I found mine through a friend but I looked around first. It is a personal training studio with trainers who came from 24 hour fitness. About 6 guys, all pretty good. I wanted a lady first but that did not work out for me.
I also belong to the Lady of America gym (all women) and they have some trainers there.
The trainers did not flinch when I stepped on their scale and weighed 291. Mouths did not drop at my measurements. My trainer has still never taken my body fat percentage (maybe afraid I will cry because I am female - but I won't). I started out slow and worked a little harder each time. All the trainers are very encouraging.
The other clients are anything you can imagine. A lot of older (and I mean white hair), overweight people recovering from knee replacements and such. Some high schoolers who want to do better in sports. People tring to lose weight like me or just tone up.
If you can, it really is a good stress reliever. It is kind of like having another mother - telling you what to do (even when you do not want to) but also very encouraging and supportive.
If you want, tell me where you live in the metroplex and I will ask my trainer if he knows anyone good in your area (trainers all seem to know each other somehow)
Thank you for your honesty. I used to be a binge eater too, but lots of therapy and going to OA meetings helped an enormous amount. Have you ever considered either?
I binge eat as well but have gotten better. Don't beat yourself up over it. If you can, try to learn from it and then put it behind you.
I appreciate your honesty - I'm sure that being able to look at this so honestly will be good in trying to overcome it. I binged and dieted in cycles from age 15 to 40, to the point that what I had started out thinking was a fat weight ended up being a distant dream. I went to OA 9 years ago and have been maintaining a 90 pound weight loss since then - it has given me back my life, seriously.
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