It was 2004 and I had just lost quite a bit of weight (from 235 to about 195) but I still felt so terribly fat. I was meeting lots of new people at this particular party and all that kept running through my mind was that everyone I was meeting for the first time was probably thinking, “Holy shit, this girl is HUGE!” I truly believed that they were horrified at how much bigger I was than everyone else in the room, including my 6’2” date. I imagined that they were wondering what my tall, handsome date was doing with a big fatso like me.
And even though this night was 5 years ago, I remember I couldn’t get numbers and sizes out of my head. I was in an XL top and a size 16 denim skirt. I was still nearly 200 pounds. I was beating myself up and feeling like a physical freak because I was sure all the other girls in the room were in smalls and 6’s. (By the way, I’ve always had issues with feeling BIGGER than everyone else - even when I weighed 160 pounds. Logically I know that 160 pounds on 5’11” is not big. But I have always felt big nonetheless.)
Back to the present, holding this top up on the hanger I was struck by how freakin’ TINY it looked. How could this be a size XL? It was so small. Just a scrap of fabric that I can’t believe I ever fit into it. I would dearly love to be able to fit into it today. But the fact is I am about 150 pounds away from being able to wear that top. I probably couldn’t get my right arm into it today.
It makes me a little sad, this XL top of mine. I am sad for 2009 Deb for having let things get so far out of hand with weight. Even more, I am sad for 2004 Deb who was wearing this tiny top and feeling terrible because the tag inside said “XL”. Today, looking back at the picture of that night, I think I look pretty decent. I don’t see a person that is ridiculously larger than everyone else. In fact, I am actually rocking a nice set of collar bones in this picture. When I look really closely at myself in this picture I think I look uncomfortable. Like I am sucking in and holding my posture just so in order to not look too awfully fat. And my face…my eyes…I see sadness in them.
(I am on the far right, kneeling in the front)
(I think I look sad here. The smile on my lips does not reach my eyes.)
That sadness I see scares me. When I reach this size again, will I feel happy and accepting of myself? Because I have to wonder how much my poor body image and my inability to see myself how I really was contributed to my gaining everything back and then some? I often can’t believe I let myself gain such a massive amount of weight and wonder how on earth I didn’t stop myself sooner. But if you always feel fat, even when you are not, maybe the process of getting fat isn’t as noticeable. Maybe I was just making my body match the image I had of myself. It’s scary. And it’s something I will need to stay cognizant of this time around. I don’t want to put myself through this again.
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