Weigh in: starting again at 325.6

This weigh in is not easy to post. Basically I have gained 10 pounds in the past month. I have been eating totally out of control and it has to stop. I am recommitting today. I have been behaving like a spoiled child and it is time to grow up. In no other area of my life do I let myself behave this way. Treats once in a while are OK but I have been doing nothing but "treating myself" for a month.



I have a big goal to accomplish - losing 160 pounds. An intimidating task, to be sure. But I have accomplished (and am currently accomplishing) other intimidating tasks so there is no reason I can't accomplish this one as well. Currently I am pursuing my MBA part time at night while working at a demanding job all day. It's not easy. I get overwhelmed. I get discouraged at how long it's going to take me. But I keep going and keep making progress.


So what am I doing in terms of the successful pursuit of my MBA that I can apply to a successful pursuit of major weightloss? The 3 things I know I am doing in pursuing my degree are:

1. When I start thinking ahead to how much more I have to go (2 years, bare minimum, probably a little more), I start getting overwhelmed. The way I overcome this is to stop worrying about all the work that is yet to come by literally saying to myself "Stop it!" Because there is nothing I can do about the coursework yet to come. I can only take care of the courses I am currently in. So I try very hard to simply stay in the present and accomplish the tasks set before me for the semester, knowing that each current task completed is one more step towards my goal.


2. I am giving myself a break when I need one. This summer session has really been doing me in. Both of my classes are very project-intensive and with the compressed summer session it's just been a real beating. I can feel myself reaching burn-out stage. So while my original goal was to complete 2 courses per semester in order to finish my degree in 3 years, I am giving myself permission to cut back to just 1 course for the upcoming fall semester. I decided that it was more important to me to be able to have a little balance in my life than to stick with an arbitrarily determined timeline. I also feel like I will be able to perform at a higher level in my courses if I allow myself a little break.


3. This is the most important one of all. I believe I can do it. I know that I am smart. I know that I am hard-working. And I know that I will be successful in achieving my MBA degree. I believe in my own capability and have no doubts that I can achieve what I set out to do.

So looking back at these components of my MBA-success-in-the-making, I think the parallels to weight loss are obvious and that I should be applying these same ideas and skills to my weightloss project. I have not been doing that so far. The parallels as I see them are:

1. Because I have so much to lose I have let the prospect of the work-yet-to-come overwhelm me and I have let it overshadow the importance of all the little steps it takes each day to accomplish weightloss. When I feel myself getting overwhelmed or thinking that my choices today don't really matter in the grand scheme of 160 pounds, I need to tell myself "Stop it!" and ground myself back into the present. There is nothing I can do today about the 50th pound, the 100th pound, or the 160th pound. All I can focus on is the next 1 pound. I can't lose 160 pounds without losing 1 pound first. To continue with a school analogy, that 1 pound is the prerequisite to all the pounds that follow.
2. Losing 160 pounds is going to take a long time. I will likely get tired or beat down by the process along the way. When these times come, I must allow myself permission to take a break. This does not mean throwing in the towel, it just means letting up on myself a little bit. Maybe my progess will be temporarily slowed but in the long-run I will be more able to see my goal all the way through to the end.
3. Believing I can do it. This will be a toughie for me and probably the one I need to work on most. In school, I have lots of past successes to look to that help me to KNOW that I am capable of accomplishing my goal. With weightloss, I don't have many past successes to draw on. Yes, I have lost significant amounts in the past but have always gained them back. And I have never actually made it all the way to a goal weight. So it is difficult for me to believe I can do it. And I realize this is where my true challenge lies.

Do over

I am the queen of the "do over". I know it's a manifestation of my all-or-nothing thinking that contributes to the difficulty I have getting healthy. But here I am calling another "do over". I have continued to binge on junk since my "frickety frick" post. I am ready to be done.

As part of my "do over" I have decided to cancel my Weight Watchers membership. Don't get me wrong, I think WW is the best and most realistic program out there. IMHO, it is the only plan where no food is off-limits and the focus is more on portion control, i.e, you can have A brownie, just not the entire PAN of brownies. Also, I really like the whole Points concept as I find it easier than tracking calories, fat grams, etc.

Despite what I like about the program, I decided to cancel anyway. I find I have too much shame at going to weigh in's after I have had a binge week. And then when I don't weigh in, that just sets me up for another week of no accountability. So I have decided to buy a scale (didn't own one before) and do my own weekly weigh-ins where I can feel comfortable facing the truth without fear of judgment. I will continue to follow a revised WW plan. The revision will be that I am going to increase the number of daily points I allow myself. At my current weight, I was getting 37 points per day plus my 35 weekly points allowance. I am going to give myself 45 points daily and go back to the old plan of "banking" points rather than the WPA thing. Basically, the 45 points covers my basal metabolic rate calories.

Anyway, I am ready for my "do over" now. As for the support I will miss by not going to WW meetings, well, I can get that from the online communities I am involved in.

Here I go now. Doing over.