I've been a little AWOL from the blog world lately. I don't really know why. Just wasn't feeling it, I guess. I've also skipped my last two weigh ins. Even so, I've been doing pretty well on the eating front and I have restarted my workout routine at Curves so I don't think I'm really off the wagon. Just kind of off the radar.

But I know I better get back out here and back to my WW meetings. I plan to get back to my regular Saturday morning meetings next weekend.

I've been feeling pretty positive about the changes I am making and the changes I have noticed in my mindset. I've spent a long time on this blog piddle-farting around. Lost in the woods, I think. I let myself get bogged down in depression and a crazy work/school life. I've let these things steal my life, health, and happiness from me. I am finally truly waking up to that fact.

No more. I want it all back. I want to feel good again, to feel cute sometimes, to not be held back physically, to participate rather than avoid. And it starts with my health and my weight. It's finally clicking. Duh. Right?

Return of the Prodigal Blogger

I'm back. In some ways I was never gone because I continued to keep up reading the blogs that I follow. I just wasn't posting because I wasn't feeling like I had much to contribute to the blogosphere these days. I commented on other blogs occasionally. But mostly I have spent the last month lurking. I continue to struggle but I have not given up. OK, I had given up for awhile. But I am un-giving up now.

So it's been a month.

What's new?
1. I am back in Weight Watchers meetings. I've gone 2 weeks in a row now and am down 6.6 pounds.
2. I am actually listening during my meetings and reading the weekly materials. Because I've been a WW member on and off for 10+ years, I pretty much think I know everything there is to know about the plan. I'm trying to go in with a different, more open, attitude this time. There are some success stories in that meeting room. Maybe if I'd quit thinking I know it all and just listen I might learn something.
3. I am back in water aerobics. I signed up for classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. This will be the extent of my exercise for now. I don't want to bite off more that I can chew.

What's not new?
1. Still struggling with depression but am being more proactive about dealing with that. I wouldn't say I am actually better, but I think I can see that I will be some day. That in itself is a major improvement. The past couple of months I have felt fairly hopeless about pretty much everything. So even though I am not back to my usual perky self, I believe that I will be one day...sooner rather than later.
2. My job. Still not real happy in that arena. Taking some fledgling steps to try to fix this but I won't say much about that on my blog. Just know it has been and continues to be one of my struggles.


I'm glad to be back. I'm glad to be feeling a glimmer of hope again. Thanks to those to emailed to check on me while I was gone. And, yes, I did end up going to the Biggest Loser casting call. But I'll save that for another post.

Temporary Hiatus

I will be taking a temporary hiatus from blogging for the next few weeks. I am currently suffering from a bout of depression that I am seeking medical help for. I feel very tired, negative, and hopeless in regards to my own weightloss efforts and just things in general. And I don't want to post a bunch of "oh woe is me" crap so I am just going to stop until the depression is under control again.

It was kind of ambivalent about stopping blogging during this time because I believe depression and weight is a blogworthy topic. But I decided it would work better for me if I waited to blog it when the worst is behind me and I have gained some perspective on it. I would not have much constructive to say about the issue in my current state.

I am still enjoying reading other blogs so I intend to keep visiting you during this time.

Is 39 Too Young To Have A Midlife Crisis?

Today's regularly scheduled weigh-in is being pre-empted by my premature (?) mid-life crisis.


Seriously...how young is too young for a mid-life crisis? Coming off a couple months of grueling work hours (which, thankfully, have calmed down) I am a mess. I have plenty of thoughts banging around in my head regarding the shedding (or not) of my fat suit, my job, depression, compulsive eating, lack of balance, and the state of my life in general.

Thoughts I have. Coherent posts about them I do not. I feel overwhelmed by everything that seems to need changing in my life. I am a smart and capable person but it's like I can't figure out what the right thing to do about anything is. So I am going to get help. You may remember several months ago I fired a shrink I had just started to see because she totally sucked. Finally I have gotten around to making an appointment with a psychologist who greatly helped a friend of mine work through a difficult period in her life. Hopefully she can help me get a few things in order too.

I've got a couple more weeks before my appointment. In the meantime I will try hard not to quit my job, take a young Latin lover, or by a red Corvette.

"The Donald" Has Nothing On Me

Today, after only 3 sessions, I fired my psychiatrist. Here's how it went:

Session 1: She took my history and she also took 3 different phone calls during the session. She also told me I would feel better if I did deep breathing during the day which I found mildly irritating. She gave me a sample of meds to try and instructions to come back in 2 weeks.

Session 2: She was 30 minutes late for the appointment, rushed me through a quick 15 minute session where we covered all the same shit we did at the first session because she was ill-prepared for our appointment, she shoved some more samples in my hand, and out the door I went with instructions, again, to come back in 2 weeks. I was really irritated this time because I was having some side effects I wanted to talk to her about. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and one more try.

Session 3: I waited 45 minutes and was just about to leave and go back to work when she called me into her office. I went back with her. She sat down, I remained standing. I said, "My appointment was for 45 minutes ago. I have to go back to work." She just looks at me and says, "Are you angry?" I just said, "No, I am not angry but this is not going to work. I have a job and I took time away from it to come here and now I will get no benefit from it. This is not going to work for me." She tried to appease me, went through another 15 minutes of rehashing the same history because she still was completely unprepared. She gave me another 2 week sample and a prescription for a 30 day supply. I took the sample and the prescription and just told her that this would not work for me and I needed to find a different doctor.

It was ridiculout because I was getting NO actual care and NO actual treatment. Just a handful of pills shoved at me each time. I was proud of myself because I calmly stood up for myself. Emphasis on "calmly." Usually I either do one of two things: 1) keep my mouth shut and let myself be walked on, or 2) get really pissed off and make an ass out of myself. Historically, I have found it difficult to stand up for myself and the only way I knew to do it was to get angry. Maybe a little personal growth going on here.

Weigh in: 0.5 lost, 163.5 to go

I was pleasantly suprised this morning to find that I had lost half a pound this week. It was a stressful week full of long work hours at work. I succumbed to some stress eating, failed to find the time to plan my meals or to go to my water aerobics class this week. So half a pound, yeah, I'll take it!

This week I also had my appointment with a shrink about my depression. She gave me a 2 week sample of some meds and I go back at the end of the 2 weeks. So far I am hating these meds. I am sooooooooooooo sleepy on them. Worse than the depression was. She did say to try to stick it out for at least a week because often the side effects will diminish after the first week. I hope so because Friday when I got home from work I slept from 4PM to 8PM, then went to bed at 11PM and slept til 9AM. I got up, went to water areobics, came home and fell asleep for another 4 hours. Sleeping 18 out of 24 is not going to be acceptable. On a positive note, my appetite seems to be greatly dimished on these meds...at least for now.

I have alot to get done today including take my finance exam so I hope today won't be as bad and Friday and Saturday was in terms of sleeping. I'll just have to try to not blink for too long.

What's New Pussycat?

whoa-whoa-whoa.....Sorry, was temporarily channeling Tom Jones.

So, I've been MIA for a few weeks due to a dead laptop. What is new with me in the meantime? Well, I have been going to water aerobics 4-5 times per week and getting in the occasional walk with my dog. I am feeling pretty good about that. Foodwise...well, as always it's a bit of a struggle.

A while back I said goodbye to Weight Watchers because it was making me feel a little nuts. I had stopped weighing weekly and decided I would just try to eat "intuitively." During this process I gained about 8 more pounds putting me at a new all time high of 333. So, crazy though I may be, I am back to doing Weight Watchers. I am not going to meetings but I have been tracking my food with their online tracker for a couple of weeks now. It's going OK. My eating is not perfect and I do go over my points some days. I just decided not to freak out about it. I am actually finding the online tracking easier to keep up with than writing it down. Plus it makes it easy to look at a high level summary of your week so you can see where you are really blowing it out...what days, what meals, etc.

So that's where I am on the diet and exercise front....I am splish-splashin' away and I am working slowly but surely toward improving my eating habits.

As for the rest of my life, it feels out of control. I try to put on a happy face and force myself to feel well. I have been doing this along time and as time goes by the facade becomes harder and harder to maintain. I am tired and irritable most of the time. I sleep way too much. About half the time I am on the verge of tears. I feel like a ticking time bomb, having emotional outbursts in places that I shouldn't (work), which is pretty unlike me. I feel unmotivated. Not just with weight-loss, but with everything. The smallest things seem like more than I can take on. For example, if the trash is full and needs to go out it takes everything I can muster to get myself to do it. The very idea of having to carry it out my backdoor, across the backyard, and out the back gate to my trash bin just seems like an insurmountable task. It's not a laziness thing. I can't explain what this feeling feels like. But I can tell you what I think it is....depression.

Now before you think this is going to turn into a pity party, it is not. I was treated for depression once before and I think it is back. I am ready to take charge of my health and to get back to feeling myself. I have an appointment next week with a doctor who hopefully can help me. Yes, I feel terrible most of the time but I am grateful that I am aware what is happening to me and that I am going to get help for it.