What's New Pussycat?

whoa-whoa-whoa.....Sorry, was temporarily channeling Tom Jones.

So, I've been MIA for a few weeks due to a dead laptop. What is new with me in the meantime? Well, I have been going to water aerobics 4-5 times per week and getting in the occasional walk with my dog. I am feeling pretty good about that. Foodwise...well, as always it's a bit of a struggle.

A while back I said goodbye to Weight Watchers because it was making me feel a little nuts. I had stopped weighing weekly and decided I would just try to eat "intuitively." During this process I gained about 8 more pounds putting me at a new all time high of 333. So, crazy though I may be, I am back to doing Weight Watchers. I am not going to meetings but I have been tracking my food with their online tracker for a couple of weeks now. It's going OK. My eating is not perfect and I do go over my points some days. I just decided not to freak out about it. I am actually finding the online tracking easier to keep up with than writing it down. Plus it makes it easy to look at a high level summary of your week so you can see where you are really blowing it out...what days, what meals, etc.

So that's where I am on the diet and exercise front....I am splish-splashin' away and I am working slowly but surely toward improving my eating habits.

As for the rest of my life, it feels out of control. I try to put on a happy face and force myself to feel well. I have been doing this along time and as time goes by the facade becomes harder and harder to maintain. I am tired and irritable most of the time. I sleep way too much. About half the time I am on the verge of tears. I feel like a ticking time bomb, having emotional outbursts in places that I shouldn't (work), which is pretty unlike me. I feel unmotivated. Not just with weight-loss, but with everything. The smallest things seem like more than I can take on. For example, if the trash is full and needs to go out it takes everything I can muster to get myself to do it. The very idea of having to carry it out my backdoor, across the backyard, and out the back gate to my trash bin just seems like an insurmountable task. It's not a laziness thing. I can't explain what this feeling feels like. But I can tell you what I think it is....depression.

Now before you think this is going to turn into a pity party, it is not. I was treated for depression once before and I think it is back. I am ready to take charge of my health and to get back to feeling myself. I have an appointment next week with a doctor who hopefully can help me. Yes, I feel terrible most of the time but I am grateful that I am aware what is happening to me and that I am going to get help for it.