I've been a little AWOL from the blog world lately. I don't really know why. Just wasn't feeling it, I guess. I've also skipped my last two weigh ins. Even so, I've been doing pretty well on the eating front and I have restarted my workout routine at Curves so I don't think I'm really off the wagon. Just kind of off the radar.

But I know I better get back out here and back to my WW meetings. I plan to get back to my regular Saturday morning meetings next weekend.

I've been feeling pretty positive about the changes I am making and the changes I have noticed in my mindset. I've spent a long time on this blog piddle-farting around. Lost in the woods, I think. I let myself get bogged down in depression and a crazy work/school life. I've let these things steal my life, health, and happiness from me. I am finally truly waking up to that fact.

No more. I want it all back. I want to feel good again, to feel cute sometimes, to not be held back physically, to participate rather than avoid. And it starts with my health and my weight. It's finally clicking. Duh. Right?

Memorial Day and Belated 2nd Blogiversay

It's Memorial Day again which means it's time to thank all the veterans who have sacrificed in defense of our country and freedom.

It's also the unofficial start of summer.

It's also my unofficial blogiversary because I can never remember my real one, which is May 18.

In 2008, shortly after beginning this blog, I posted what Memorial Day (as the unofficial start of summer) meant for an obese person (in summary, sweaty embarrassing fat). At 313 pounds I proclaimed I deserved better summers and that I was on my way to achieving my goals. I posted the question "Where will I be for Memorial Day 2009?"

Cut to 2009. I celebrated my one year blogiversary and noted that I had GAINED 30 more pounds during the course of my first year blogging. I boldly claimed that I had learned 2 lessons in 2009: 1) that I needed to make time for myself and set more boundaries with my work, and 2) that time marches on and that I needed to get rid of my "I can do better" next week mindset. I ended the post with a hope to write a different sort of post for Memorial Day 2010.

Well, here we are. Memorial Day 2010. Ignoring my ridiculous water weight gain this week, I am basically at the exact same weight I was last year at this time...around the mid 340's. I spent the year working working working and sometimes crying over work. And eating over work. Eating to reduce stress. Eating to calm nerves. Eating is what seemed my only source of pleasure in a life filled with obligations.

So, yeah, I think the lessons I learned in 2009 were basically theoretical in nature. I didn't really apply what I had learned. I guess you could say I was "booksmart" when it came to lifestyle change. What I need to have is "common sense". I think I am just now starting to get there slowly.

This blog serves as a blunt reminder to myself that my life is slipping by and I am letting it. My job is still a big challenge. It may get better. A little better. But probably not enough better to really achieve the balance I am looking for. So I am working on some things there that aren't going as quickly as I would like, but I am working on it. In the meantime, I am back to Weight Watchers and I am slowly changing my ways and learning patience. Because for all the "hurrying" and thoughts of "I have to lose weight RIGHT NOW" over the past 2 years, I have pretty much gotten no where.

So this year I am going to try slow and patient and see where that gets me for my 2011 Memorial Day post.

2010 Goals

Well, now that I have looked back upon 2009 in two parts and found it to be a not-so-great year for me in many ways, it's time to look ahead to the new year and the new decade and make a plan to make a better life for myself.

The resounding themes for my look back at 2009 were 1) failure at my weight loss goals, 2) not enough living/having fun/being generally negative, and 3) too much work stress (which was not an insignicant contributor to the first two). So, obviously, these will be the things that I will be working on in 2010. On a monthly basis, I will post updates as to my progress on this things. My Goals for 2010 are:

1. I will lose 93 pounds by 1/1/11.
Seems like a random amount of weight to lose, but it will put me at halfway to my final goal. My 2010 weight loss goal is more than twice as big as the goal I wasn't able to achieve in 2009. Am I nuts? Maybe. But what I think happened last year is that by setting my goal (expectations for myself) too low it was easy to let the months slip by with no progress. Didn't lose anything in Janaury? No problem, I can still lose 40 pounds in 11 months. Didn't lose anything in February? No problem, I can still lose 40 pounds in 10 months. You get the picture. And then pretty soon the year is over and no progress is made. So I decided it will be better to go with a bigger, yet still achievable, goal so that I will have to maintain focus on it through out the year in order to achieve it. Ninety-three pounds works out to just under 2 pounds per week in a year, a completely reasonable rate of weight loss.

Specific steps to achieving a 93 pound weight loss in 2010 is:

• Break it down into small goals. Each month I will set a goal weight loss for the month in order to keep me on track towards achieving my goal for the year. For January, my goal is going to be 10 pounds.
• Food. Keep a food journal and track calories. Initially, my goal will be to keep it under 2,500 calories per day. I will reevaluate my calorie level as time goes by and adjust as necessary.
• Exercise. Each month I will set a goal for the amount of time I spend exercising for that month. With a monthly goal I can make adjustments as time goes by and I lose weight and get more fit. For January, my goal is 360 minutes (6 hours). So, on average, I will need to exercise for 20 minutes for 18 days of January. Probably doesn't seem like much to alot of you but at my current weight back pain while exercising is a major problem. Twenty minutes is about as much as I can stand to do. I fully anticipate this will improve greatly as the weight comes off. My exercises of choice for January will be walking outside, walking on my treadmill, stationary cycling at the community clubhouse, and doing EA Sports Active (Wii).
• Measuring Success and Keeping Accountable. I will use a simple monthly calendar to track my daily successes with stickers (yes, I am 40 on the outside and 14 on the inside). One sticker will be for keeping my food journal and staying within my calorie budget for the day. Another sticker will be for any day that I exercise. I'll also track my exercise minutes in the calendar. I will be weighing in on Saturdays and posting results.

2. I will make having fun and relaxing a priority in my life.

My life is chock full of "have-to-do's" and nearly completely devoid of "want-to-do's". This is bullshit. I am 40 years old and if I am not going to start living now, then when? It easier to have enough fun when you are younger and have more time. But now I feel like I need to make an appointment for fun otherwise it's just not going to happen. There is so much I "have-to-do" in my life that unless I make it a point to get to some of my "want-to-do's" it will never happen, as evidenced by the entire year of 2009.

To this end, I will do at LEAST one fun or relaxing thing each week. I am currently working up a list of at least 52 things I can do for fun so I have some ideas to go to rather that sitting around saying, "I'm supposed to be having fun but there's nothing to do!" The sad part is, I am having a hard time coming up with that many. It seems I have been funless for so long I have forgotten how! The list I have so far includes spending a day reading and really enjoying a book cover to cover (instead of just getting a few pages in as I fall into bed exhausted every night), taking a craft class of some kind (crochet maybe?), getting a facial, and a few other things. I am happy to hear any suggestions you have. Nothing is too big or too small. I really do need some help here.

3. I will reduce my work-related stress.

The details on this one I am going to keep to myself for now. Suffice it to say that I am WELL aware the negative impact that too much work stress has had on my life and health and that it needs to change.

Group Support: Sometimes It's Twisted

I think most will agree that having the support of like minds is an immeasureable asset to people trying to lose weight. For me, I think it also has the danger of messing with your head or putting undue pressure on you.

Case in point:

Yesterday I had to go to the DPS office to renew my driver's license. While waiting in line I realized I was behind my former Weight Watchers leader. So I said hello and we started chatting about the fact it was both our birthdays, Thanksgiving was coming, etc. Then, out of nowhere, she starts telling me how sometimes it can be embarrassing to run into her WW members outside of the meeting. She said the day before she had been eating dinner at IHOP and was nervous someone would see her because "how can you be 'good' at IHOP?" I just laughed and said, "I guess you do the best you can and maybe leave some on the plate." Then she started justifying what she had eaten at IHOP. "I got the pot roast but told them to leave the gravy off. It was really dry. And I had it with broccoli and corn." I could not give a rip what she ate at IHOP and yet here she was justifying it to me as though I had caught her red-handed with her face in a short stack drenched in syrup.

You know, this is one of the things I hate about "group dieting". The guilt. I didn't see her eating at IHOP but clearly she felt so guilty about it she had to justify it to me. A day later. It was still bugging her a day later. I wasn't even there! I haven't been to her meetings in weeks. It strikes me as a bit twisted.

What I know is I don't want to trade my current set of twisted food behaviors for a different set of twisted behaviors. I just want to have a healthy mindset surrounding food. I don't want to feel guilty one way or the other. I just want to learn to eat healthy most of the time and realize that into every life a little IHOP will creep and to not freak out about it when it does. Or try to justify it to near total strangers at the driver's license office.

So sometimes, I think it's better to keep your weightloss efforts to yourself. Or at least be selective as to who you let into your inner weightloss circle.