It was 2004 and I had just lost quite a bit of weight (from 235 to about 195) but I still felt so terribly fat. I was meeting lots of new people at this particular party and all that kept running through my mind was that everyone I was meeting for the first time was probably thinking, “Holy shit, this girl is HUGE!” I truly believed that they were horrified at how much bigger I was than everyone else in the room, including my 6’2” date. I imagined that they were wondering what my tall, handsome date was doing with a big fatso like me.
And even though this night was 5 years ago, I remember I couldn’t get numbers and sizes out of my head. I was in an XL top and a size 16 denim skirt. I was still nearly 200 pounds. I was beating myself up and feeling like a physical freak because I was sure all the other girls in the room were in smalls and 6’s. (By the way, I’ve always had issues with feeling BIGGER than everyone else - even when I weighed 160 pounds. Logically I know that 160 pounds on 5’11” is not big. But I have always felt big nonetheless.)
Back to the present, holding this top up on the hanger I was struck by how freakin’ TINY it looked. How could this be a size XL? It was so small. Just a scrap of fabric that I can’t believe I ever fit into it. I would dearly love to be able to fit into it today. But the fact is I am about 150 pounds away from being able to wear that top. I probably couldn’t get my right arm into it today.
It makes me a little sad, this XL top of mine. I am sad for 2009 Deb for having let things get so far out of hand with weight. Even more, I am sad for 2004 Deb who was wearing this tiny top and feeling terrible because the tag inside said “XL”. Today, looking back at the picture of that night, I think I look pretty decent. I don’t see a person that is ridiculously larger than everyone else. In fact, I am actually rocking a nice set of collar bones in this picture. When I look really closely at myself in this picture I think I look uncomfortable. Like I am sucking in and holding my posture just so in order to not look too awfully fat. And my face…my eyes…I see sadness in them.
(I am on the far right, kneeling in the front)
(I think I look sad here. The smile on my lips does not reach my eyes.)
That sadness I see scares me. When I reach this size again, will I feel happy and accepting of myself? Because I have to wonder how much my poor body image and my inability to see myself how I really was contributed to my gaining everything back and then some? I often can’t believe I let myself gain such a massive amount of weight and wonder how on earth I didn’t stop myself sooner. But if you always feel fat, even when you are not, maybe the process of getting fat isn’t as noticeable. Maybe I was just making my body match the image I had of myself. It’s scary. And it’s something I will need to stay cognizant of this time around. I don’t want to put myself through this again.
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19 comments:
I have a lot of those sad eyed pics too.
I have many similar issues as you. I cried with joy when I got into a size 14, and a few months later I just wanted to hide for being a 14.
They say you have to love and accept yourself, but it's easier said than done. I didn't even love myself when I was size 12 going on size 10.
I'm actually looking for a shrink to see that can help me figure it all out. I'm not saying you need to try it, I'm just saying we all need to keep trying everything till we figure it out.
And we will.
I can so relate to this post. As I was gaining weight from a totally normal size to totally not, I felt worse and worse about myself. The self confidence left me.
I just want to encourage you to keep you head up high, and have faith in yourself.
You are beautiful now, and in that picture.
You can do this.
Oh Deb, I am just like you!!!
I wrote a post today about the super obese, how I know I have it in me to be one of them, that I could easily weigh over 500 pounds. I know this for a fact. I have the same body images as you.
I watched the TLC documentaries last night about the super obese and I think you hit the nail on the head. It's our body image. We think we are fat even when we aren't so we try to make out body match what we see in our mind. Total insanity but totally true. Thanks for the great insight.
By the way, you are strikingly beautiful in that picture. You look skinny. But your smile, it looks sad. It makes me want to cry that you didn't realize what an incredibly beautiful woman you were then.
Deb, you do it this time, okay? Get back to being that gorgeous woman, and then let that smile reach your eyes. :)
I can relate to this post as well.
I felt as fat at 150 lbs as I do now at 240 lbs.
There are days now that I actually feel good now so I hope my perception of myself at a smaller size will be more in keeping with reality.
Hang in there.
Just found your blog. I feel for that beautiful, yet sad-eyed woman in the photo. Ispent many years feeling fat and a total failure....and I look back on those pictures and am struck by how thin I am.
I noticed you have decluttering as one of your goals. Me too. I've heard there's a connection between being overweight and hoarding. I've started reading a book called "Does This Clutter Make my Butt Look Fat"
Its not about the food, its not about the "stuff"; for me its the underlying issues driving it all.
Interesting...I wrote post today about body image as well.
Let me just say that you look beautiful in that picture - perfectly sized and healthy, although I do agree with the sadness in your eyes.
I'm rooting for you to get past the regret of regain and move onto getting healthy and fit - whatever size that may be. Keep up the good fight, Deb.
Body image is a tough one, especially when you realize that things aren't typically as bad as you perceive them to be. The only way to look is to look up, right?
Aw, Deb, you're beautiful! I hope you are able to find your true sense of self worth not based on the size of your body! Love ya, girly! *Hugs*
Bethany
Oh girl, I KNOW what you are talking about. You know that "sex kitten" pose on my blog? The one where I"m laid out on a couch? I thought I was a flabby, obese disgusting specimen of a woman then. I had lost loads of weight, but was still over 300 lbs in my head. I too wonder if I ever manage to get this weight off If I will be forever 400+ in my head and that's scary.
BTW, I think you were the hottest one there!!! I'm also extremely envious of your 6ft2 date. I likes me some tall men, probably because it makes me feel less like a behemoth myself lol.
You look gorgeous in that picture!!
I can relate to the feeling huge part. I am 5'10. I am always the tallest girl in a room. I decided to embrace it and love it now. I started wearing 3 inch heels too. So now I can be a really intimidating 6'1.
No one else seems to care so I decided I wouldn't either.
Just work on making those eyes happy!!
Wow, what a beautiful picture! I can relate too - I have always felt larger than everyone else, even when I was not fat.
These days I'm also working towards fitting into my former fat clothes again...
Count me in with the body issues club. Even in maintenance, I still have days when I feel the same size I was 100 pounds ago. Being AWARE of it definitely helps me talk myself off the ledge. I hope it works for you as well.
Love the picture, you guys look great!
I bought a dress at Old Navy on Saturday and it is an XL and I feel FABULOUS in it...right now, and I hope to continue with that feeling, but I can't help think that people see me in that dress and think...DANG girl, you need NOT be wearing that.
Yeah, those feelings show just how inextricably our weight becomes a part of our lives, thoughts, and actions. I'm (finally) getting past it and just being me, being comfortable in my own. Kudos to you for doing the same.
I've had these same thoughts.
Recently some pictures from high school have popped up on Facebook. I can distinctly remember how fat I felt back then. Now? I would KILL to look like I did in high school!
Losing weight doesn't change how we feel about ourselves, I think. We need to learn to love ourselves now - just the way we are!
Oh Deb. I can SO relate to everything that you wrote. I too am so scared that any amount of weight loss won't be enough. I keep reflecting on the time I weight 175. I was miserable- so unhappy. So now I can't help but wonder how I am going to feel when I get back to that weight. Will I be happy? Will I see and appreciate exactly how far I have come? It's all very scary, but we should just make sure we remember these moments, and always keep them in perspective. As much as you hate it, take lots of pictures of yourself throughout your weight loss journey so you can SEE how far you have come. Forget the scale.
Enjoy the water aerobics, I plan on starting that as soon as I am cleared for exercise by my surgeon.
Hang in there honey- you WILL do this! By the way, you are gorgeous!!!
Like many above, I've been there too. My sophomore year in college I was a 14/16 and I thought I was a whale. I look at those pictures now and wish for the body, and wish that the girl back then had even a modicum of confidence, because if she only knew...
This post really touches me, Deb - I have definitely feel this way too, and you expressed the feeling so eloquently.
You are absolutely beautiful, girl! Let that smile reach all the way up to your eyes this time around . . . not just once you get to your goal, but today and every day on the way there.
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