I can't stop thinking about my shopping trip over the weekend. Yeah, the one where I came to a full realization that I have done a very drastic thing to my body. And where I started wondering if that was my rock bottom moment. My last straw, if you will.
And the more I remember of that experience, the more I am convinced, yes, it was my last straw. I have been denying to myself how much my weight has started to affect my mobility. But it is. And I can't deny it any longer or else something terrible could happen to me. Like ending up having to ride around the grocery store on one of those scooters. Or having to get a handicapped placard for my car because I can no longer walk across the parking garage to my office building. Or being bedridden and homebound.
Yeah, those are extreme outcomes. But how far am I, really, from them being reality?
The fact is if I stop in someone's office to chat I can only stand to talk to them for a minute or two before I need to sit down. After my shopping excursion, I stopped at a shoestore to try to find something and when I had to wait to check out I was desperately looking for something to lean on because I felt my back would give out. The cashier was looking at my funny because I also was sweating profusely just standing there. Walking back out to my car took a Herculean effort. And by the time I was to my car any thought I had that I would try some other stores was out the window. All my energy was gone. I went home. I was wiped out for the day after an hour long shopping trip.
I am 30-frickin-9. I feel like I am 99. I should be able to stand for more than a couple of minutes. I should be able to try on a few outfits without it draining my energy for the day. It hasn't been this bad until the last couple of months when I put on this last 20-25 pounds.
My body is at it's breaking point and I have to turn things around if I want to keep functioning in even the most basic of ways. I can't believe it has come to this. And why did it have to come to this before I was willing to put my health first?
Maybe the answer to that question doesn't matter. Maybe it's just important that I am starting to move in the right direction again.
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Dumping Amazon and living a more deliberate life
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19 comments:
You can do this! One step at a time, one ounce at a time. This is your moment.
Cindie
The first step is to realize you need to do something. For things to get better you have to get better. Take baby steps. Think positive. I know the road is very tough. But things can and may get worse if you do nothing about it.
Hang in there we are all pulling for you.
A lot of honesty here. I wish you success.
I know 70 pounds ago, it would make me exhausted just to do simple things around the house. I'd have to lay down to rest. I made all kinds of excuses for myself though, instead of owning up to it being because of my weight.
Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom or have a major wake up moment in order to make the appropriate changes that we need to do. I know for me it was when i wanted to go to the store that's across the road and i would pray the light would turn red so that i could stop and rest before having to keep walking.
I know you can do this!
I hear you Deb! Remember this shopping trip, remember how you feel right now and use that to propel you forward!
I was there a year ago. And I never would have believed how much easier life would get when I lost some weight - I kept telling myself "it's not that bad, everyone walks slow like me" and stuff like that. But it was bad.
Is it weird to say that I'm happy for you for realizing this? Because now you know and can do something to help yourself. You can do it - just make some small changes at first, and it will really add up.
The would of, could of, should of's are over. They are in the past. You CAN do this now!!!!
At 320, I realized my babies might not have a mommy just a few short years down the road because of my weight. I've lived through the burning legs, back pain, hip pain and every other pain you can imagine.
You have to take control and walk that first step. This is your time to shine. You can do it!!! And I'm cheering and praying for you :D
I discovered your blog recently and wanted you to know how wonderful I think your posts are (I've added you to my blogroll). So honest, revealing and heartfelt. I, like so many other dieters, can truly relate to much of what you've said.
It sounds like you're getting to know yourself better through the process of blogging (which is like journaling). Keep reaching out to, and connecting with, others in the weight-loss community the way you have been and I'm sure you'll be feeling more confident and in control very soon.
Please come visit my blog. I think you'll discover that we have a great deal in common. :-)
Best wishes for success on your weight loss journey!
--Susan
I'm with ya, Deb. That feeling of being so tired that you cut shopping trips short--yeah, been there. What am I saying? Been there, am still there...But it's not the end. We have to hold on to hope and KEEP TRYING, sistah! :)
Bethany
I am 39 too, and was realizing that even trying to play with my nephew at the park I was always looking for somewhere to sit.down. always.
I have been working at this since January 1, and I can't believe how far I have come in only 3.5 months. The first two weeks are by far the hardest...when you are trying to do more things, but your body just.won't.let.you.
How was your interview?
Deb: Your last few posts have been so honest and so powerful and as we both know, this journey is so much mental, so I know this self-discovery path you are on is going to pay off dividends via weight loss.
I'm pulling for you about the job. I changed jobs two years ago at my highest weight. You can do this.
And -- one of your sentences makes me have to share this ancedote. I took a friend's grandmother out and about a couple of years ago. She was 97 at the time (she's 100 next month) and she got in the car saying "whew ... I feel 100." I laughed at her .. that would be like you saying "whew ... I feel 42" rather than the 99 you wrote. :)
I think we all need to reach a breaking point like this before we truly find the determination to lose weight once and for all. So look at this as a fresh start... a new beginning.
And take heart. You're going to start to feel better very soon. As those pounds come off and as you eat healthy foods... you're body is going to love you for it and is going to respond in wonderful ways. Your energy and strength levels will increase as time goes by... and your weight will never make you feel like this ever again!
I'm rooting for you... and I truly believe that you can do this! :)
You have to start where you are. Don't try to do too much too fast, start with a change you know you can make. Thanks for sharing so honestly!
{{Deb}} I spent a lot of time thinking the same way after my big regain a couple of years ago. The most important thing is that you're committed to putting your health first NOW!
I hope you are doing okay. I was just checking in to see how you are doing.
I've never posted on your blog before, but I completely identify. I had a car accident about 10 years ago where my knee hit the dashboard and I became permanently injured. As I lost weight, the pressure on my body was so much better. With gaining weight again, the pain is excruciating. I can't bend my knee for very long or have too much pressure on it otherwise it feels like someone is trying to stab my leg. The road is very difficult at times, but don't give up no matter what. I'm following that same advice.
This is your life - you are the only one who can take control. And like everyone else who commented above me, I BELIEVE IN YOU!
It's not hard, but I promise, every tear you shed fighting for this is worth it. Never give up, we are here for you!!!
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