A while back I heard or maybe saw an ad somewhere for a free dating site I had never heard of before. The idea of that website had been niggling in the back of my brain and I kept thinking, “When I am thin I will get on there and try to meet someone.” Cutting to the chase, here comes the “what the hell am I doing?” part of this post.
Last weekend I put a profile out the dating site. And I guess that is fine. What isn’t fine is that the picture I submitted was from 4 years and 140 pounds ago. Completely dishonest, I know. Pointless, I know. But I did it. And I have gotten so many emails that I can’t believe it. Some of them are even from handsome, gainfully employed, intelligent, seemingly down-to-earth men. A few of them I even thought, “Wow, I’d like to meet them.” Obviously I can’t do that because I have been completely dishonest about myself, at least in terms of my physical appearance. That is why I have taken my profile down from the site. It was silly and pointless in the first place.
Now here comes the “missing out on life” part of this post. It’s been a long time since I have dated and while I am OK with it most of the time, there are times I think that it sure would be nice to have a companion to spend time with, someone to be there at the end of a long day or week. I guess I mostly make being alone OK in my mind by telling myself that all the good ones are taken or that there is no one out there who is up to my standards. But seeing all these guys out there who were interested in me and realizing that I am was interested in them too was, well, kinda heartbreaking.
My heart broke because I know that the responses I would have gotten had I put up a picture of myself as I am now would have been drastically different, if I had gotten any at all. A small part of this heartbreak is because I know that people are judged by their appearances. We all do it, it’s human. The bigger part of the heartbreak was the realization of how much of life I am missing out on because of my weight. And I did this to myself.
I am mourning the loss of my healthy, happy, dare I say, pretty appearance which I have given away in exchange for the bloated, tired, and “I’ve-given-up” appearance I currently have. I know I can get a happy and healthy appearance back. And I know that as I am working toward that goal I can do a better job of making the most of my appearance by taking more effort with my clothes, makeup and hair.
But I just can’t help but mourn the lost time and the missed opportunities as I held myself back with my weight and my appearance.
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6 comments:
Wow, Deb, what a heavy post. I was lucky enough to find my husband when I was 17 and he was 19, so I have never had to date as an adult. But, I can't imagine how hard it must be. I am willing to bet if you enter an honest post, even with your current picture, you will still get responses. If you are weary, then maybe you should wait until you are feeling more positive about yourself. I know what the power of funk can do! ;)
The good news is that God has someone out there for you...maybe he is trying to lose 80 pounds before looking for you as well. Who knows? But, rest assured that you will find someone to spend your days with if that is truly what you want.
Awww man you SOOO need a *BIG HUG*. I have no great advice on how to make dating or "facing ourselves" easier but I do want you to know I feel for you. Look at the huge step forward in your life you just made though! Being honest with yourself is always the right thing to do.
Hang in there. I know there is some one out there for you. Really!! There is!! And the last thing on his mind is going to be what you do weigh or dont weigh. He will just be so taken with YOU the rest wont matter.
*huggles*
=0)
Hi Deb,
I am so with you on this. When I started this diet and this blog I didn't intend to look for romance or a man until I hit my GOAL weight -- obviously that is a long time away.
Meanwhile, a mini flirtation has developed "off blog" (the exciting thing I can't talk about) which I wasn't really expecting to happen at my current size, but the guy seemed to like me + my personality ..... all good, right? ..... yeah, until he started going weird on me 2 days ago, doing the "let's just be friends" numbers.
So now I am a little peee'd off (you might be able to tell from my latest blog -- you might even be able to tell that me labelling No.2 "love" as the second most important item in my life is a big coded HINT to mr wimply "let's just be friends" and you would be right !!!!
So, I'm now back to thinking it will all have to wait until I reach my goal weight again!
Gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !!!!!
pretty deep, Deb. I would like to give you a hug too! This is how I see it. Work on making your body as healthy as it can be and work on your attitude and soul to be as happy and strong as it can be (that's the real YOU anyway, not your body). When the right one comes along (and he will), you will already be where you want to be in life. Someone to share this new, happy, healthy you, will just be icing on the cake.
You and I are very much on the same page. I might not be in the dating scene myself but I do miss the confidence I had when I was thin. Looking at pictures and old clothes this week brought me to the same place mentally that you are in. We can do this girl!! Let me know once you get that book!
Wow. Thanks for all the kindness. I almost didn't post that one for fear someone would tell me what a jerk I was. You guys are great.
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