Well I am still hanging in at my start weight of 349. Ridiculous. But based on my lack of efforts or focus, that's pretty much the result I should expect.
Earlier in the week I had to go back through all my previous blog posts deleting spam comments from a Chinese porn website (have no idea what they said, they were in Chinese). In doing so I was struck at the amount of talking, whining, worrying, and bitching I have done about my weight since starting this blog in May 2008. And yet, no weightloss. In fact, weight gain. From 315 to 349 to be exact.
I lack committment and follow through. I have the attention span of a gnat. I saw at least 3 posts describing some fat girl horror and how it was the last straw, rock bottom, what have you, that was going to spur my change. I have proudly announced the purchase of a treadmill and consistently walked on it and reported it for 2 whole weeks. I started to delve into my overeating problems with the book "100 Days of Weightloss". I made it to Day 12 and stopped. I announced my 2009 SMART goals with a promise of monthly updates to keep me on track. Last update was on 5/1/09. Throughout it all I whined about my life being out of balance and that I worked too much. Well, that part is true. But I should have done something about it rather than just complain and use it as an excuse.
I would end this post by saying I am committing this week to follow through. But I'm afraid it would be just another example of talk with no action.
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Dumping Amazon and living a more deliberate life
10 months ago
11 comments:
hey,
i don't really know how to start,... first of all I want you to know that you're not the only person feeling that way about themselves. it's ok. it's somewhat normal. you're not a freak. cause that's what i used to think about myself. you have started something. and although it is not going as well as you had hoped for, you still are on to something. it takes time and effort. and a lot of strength and perseverance!
i get the feeling you are not very nice to yourself. there's so much self-judgment in your sentences. who am i to talk in the first place, but, for me it took ages, but it helped to be nice to myself. in my inner-dialogues. try to speak to yourself like you would to a little child - you wouldn't criticise a child that is sad and crying, would you? no, you would hug and comfort it. and that is what you deserve also, comfort and a hug!
you are trying, and although you're not perfect (who is???)you know that it is possible to lose weight, because you already did.
also, don't try everything at once. take one tiny step after the other instead of changing completely from one day to the other....
well, those were the thoughts that popped up while reading your post. and again, don't get me wrong, I am not mrs know-it-all. i just know what you feel like...
This is another post that makes me feel like Sybil. Like, "Do I have an alternate personality who wrote this?" Because I just as easily could have written this today except for the specifics.
I don't know the answer. All I know today is that 1) I'm not alone, there are lots of us 2)We cannot give up, ever.
Hang in there.
I know your pain. I have made the same proclamations, only to go back on them sooner or later (usually sooner).
I am starting again, because to totally give up is not an option. My health and my mobility are being compromised. I am going to have weight loss surgery. This is not the right decision for everyone, but it is for me.
I have learned in the past few months, the value of counseling. I have been to a behaviorist who has made a significant difference in my thinking. MY THINKING. She isn't telling me what to eat or how to exercise. All I know, is that it is helping. It still isn't easy, but it is helping.
I hope that you find your way. No one else's way, but your way. I thank you for sharing your journey with us and hope that you will continue to do so.
You are not alone.
Deb, just keep on trying--that's all you can do. Do NOT give up! Being aware is still progress. *Hugs*
Bethany
We are all a work in progress. You will do this, in your time. It may be the new house and all those stairs, or the change in season coming up with it getting a bit cooler and easier to just take a walk and enjoy the outdoors...each little healthy decision will build on the next one until there's a great bit mountain of them.
I didn't do anything for years (at least 10) - well, I actually DID do something - I would say each morning that "today's the day" and then by lunch it was "tomorrow." I think what finally happened was that I realized I needed to be healthier...not just to eat a certain way for a while to lose weight. So...once I realized that I needed to change my habits, there was no reason to wait anymore. But we all have different things that give us the drive. You'll find it.
You know that I've been struggling to find it again...but we all will!
We are all a work in progress. You will do this, in your time. It may be the new house and all those stairs, or the change in season coming up with it getting a bit cooler and easier to just take a walk and enjoy the outdoors...each little healthy decision will build on the next one until there's a great bit mountain of them.
I didn't do anything for years (at least 10) - well, I actually DID do something - I would say each morning that "today's the day" and then by lunch it was "tomorrow." I think what finally happened was that I realized I needed to be healthier...not just to eat a certain way for a while to lose weight. So...once I realized that I needed to change my habits, there was no reason to wait anymore. But we all have different things that give us the drive. You'll find it.
You know that I've been struggling to find it again...but we all will!
So many of us have totally been there- I sure have. If I may, I'd like to make a suggestion: walk. Eat whatever you want, don't diet, just walk. Walk a little bit today, a little more tomorrow, and so on. Doesn't matter if you've already had a bad food day, just get out there and walk. Put on the headphones, listen to some loud, upbeat music, and do it. Again- forget about the food for a while.
It's too hard to work on the food AND the exercise all at once when you're already having a hard time getting back on track. It's much easier to just focus on the walking for a while. Once you've done that for several days or weeks, I think you'll be more motivated to deal with the food.
Good luck, you can do it!
*unsolicited advice to follow*
Deb, you're so hard on yourself. I can hear myself in your words because I'm really hard on myself too. But it takes its toll. I really hope you can find some peace instead of constantly thinking you're disappointing yourself. Regardless of what you may think, you are an inspiration. You inspire me in every post that you write. You are so in tune with your emotions, and you're not afraid to share with us your moments of weakness. That's something I can't even do right now.
Be nice to yourself. And, just because you quit something (or everything) doesn't mean you're a failure. There's just something keeping you from completion. Either it's not right for you, or something deeper than that. Focus on what that might be instead of blaming yourself.
Because, Deb, you're awesome. Don't ever forget that.
Deb, this is in response to the comment you left on my blog.
Learning how to calm myself down is something that I've been working on for a few months. After I binged I would evaluate what went wrong. I started to notice a pattern that when I get disappointed I eat. I noticed this one time that I couldn't get something at a store that I was really looking forward to, so I "consoled" myself with Subway cookies. When I didn't get this job I really wanted I found myself instantly hungry. And, while I wasn't able to fully avoid the binge on the weekend, I was able to recognize that I was feeling disappointed and slowly calmed myself down. I was trying to fill the emptiness I was feeling with food. Any food. I haven't mastered it yet, but I'm definitely making progress.
It's all techniques I learned in that book I sent you. It's not a cure-all book, or anything, but it opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I hope this helps.
Most of us have gone through what you're experiencing. I went through it for 15 years.
The main thing to focus on is that you DO continue to try. With that attitude you WILL find that spark that makes you complete your mission. For me, it was changing my intent to being fit. I started with walking and worked up, but that working up part took awhile. :)
Please hang in there; you ARE making progress.
I've totally been there, and as a matter of fact, I'm sort of there now. My eating wasn't the greatest in Denver (although I did hike a lot) and despite my best intentions otherwise, I extended the vacation mentality on the plane yesterday, at home last night and again this morning. At this point, I am dreading my Sunday weigh-in . . . if it proves to be a nasty reality check, all I can hope is that it shocks me back onto the wagon.
I have a good feeling that having a little more time to yourself this fall will be just what you need to choose a plan and get started on your weightloss . . . and I'll be cheering for you when you do.
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