I strongly considered not posting this, but the truth will set you free. Or so they say. Here goes. I have gained a lot of weight in the past 2 weeks putting me at a new all-time high weight of 241. When I started this blog in April I was at my then all-time high of 315. So I have gained 26 pounds since April. This is turning into a weight-gain blog. Not exactly what I had in mind.
It’s embarrassing to put this out there for the world to read. I keep saying I want to change and yet I don’t. Why? I can think of a million reasons why I keep doing what I am doing. I am tired. I am stressed out. I am working too much. I am anxious. I don’t have time to plan. I am lonely. I am depressed. I am angry. I feel deprived. I am frustrated. I am unsure.
My reasons? Or my excuses? Or did they start out as reasons and become excuses over time? I think that is it. I think these were reasons until I realized they were reasons at which point they became excuses. Confused? What I mean is as I become more self-aware of the reasons behind my behavior, doesn’t that change my responsibility? Once I know that I find myself nervously nibbling on junk at work because I am trying to soothe my anxiety, doesn’t that knowledge now require me to do something to change my behavior? And if that answer is yet, then the reason now just became an excuse.
Now there is nothing in this world that annoys me more than people who make excuses. But somehow I think it’s OK for me to make excuses about my eating habits and that has to stop. I am not beating myself up here. I think 2008 was the year I came to a greater level of self-awareness surrounding my food issues. Yay me. Now it’s time to kick it up a notch and actually DO something with this awareness. Somehow I have been thinking that simply being more self-aware would magically transform my behavior. I expected making the changes to be easy now that I knew why I was behaving the way I was with food. And now that I see my behavior didn’t magically transform on its own, I am even more frustrated, angry, depressed, unsure, embarrassed. Just more reasons (excuses) to continue my behavior.
What I have been doing is avoiding taking REAL and CONSISTENT action to change my habits. No more excuses. Change is uncomfortable but it’s time to cowgirl up and start making some real change in my life.
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8 comments:
I keep telling myself that I didn't arrive here - overweight and with out of control eating issues in one week - and I'm not going to "solve" it overnight either. You know, just being more aware, and wanting to change, those are baby steps int he right direction! :) Keep going!!!
Hey Deb! You are making real progress in your self-awareness. That's important for this journey. Even though you haven't lost pounds, you've gained mental clarity and that will help you in your journey!!!
cowgirl up :)
Im with natalia in the mental piece...that your mindshift will make this next step easier AND permanent.
you can do this and we are all here to lend a hand and cheer you on.
mizfit - I had to get my Texas on. ;-)
I love the phrase cowgirl up. I'm gonna have to borrow that one. :) It's a definite step in this HARD journey that you've remained honest and accountable via this blog. And I agree with Natalia (and Miz) about the mental component that that you've been working on that truly is key! Hang in there!!
I, too, love that phrase.
And forget about 2008. It happened. You can't do anything about it. But 2009? You have total control there. Perhaps you needed 2008 in order to do all that you can do in 2009?
Yep it's a new year and this is your year!! The year for a new Deb :)
One of the things I love about your blog is the clarity with which you identify and analyze the issues we all have with food. I'm grateful that you share your insights - they have helped me a lot, and like the other commenters, I'm sure the self-awareness you developed in 2008 is going to stand you in great stead in 2009.
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