Growing Up Fat: Cruel Words Remembered

While I was at home this past week, a family member said something to me that brought back a lot of memories of growing up fat. This particular relative had commented to another person that I was a lot bigger than the last time they saw me and that if I wasn’t careful I would be fired from my job. Ignoring the ridiculousness of my being fired from a desk job for being obese (although, in truth, I do think it would be difficult for me to interview and be hired for a new job at this weight), this statement is typical of many that I heard throughout my growing up years.

When the second person told me what was said, I immediately was angry that my family was talking behind my back. I was also embarrassed and ashamed. And it brought many memories flooding back to me of all the cruel words that I heard either directly or indirectly by members of my family regarding my size. It has been a long time since I remembered these things or felt this way, mostly because I live so far from my family that I only see them once or twice a year and because until the past few years my weight has been closer to the normal range and so they have had little to comment on. Here are some comments I was reminded of:

From my dad
“All the mosquitoes want to bite Missy because she is sweet. They don’t want to bite you because you are so fat.” I was probably around 10 years old when I heard this one. It was during a weekend stay at a local lake with my dad, his girlfriend, her two kids, and my brother and me. The girlfriend’s daughter, Missy, I remember being a very whiny kid complaining constantly about mosquitoes. So I, wanting to be the “good girl”, pointed out proudly that no mosquitoes were biting me. I was trying to show my dad that I was good and not whiny. I did not get the reaction I wanted when he snapped back with his cruel retort. I remember feeling crushed. I felt like my dad liked someone else’s daughter more than me and it was because she was “sweet” and I was “fat.” Never mind the fact that Missy was a bratty little shit none of the rest of us wanted to play with. To this day when I hear the name “Missy” I assume the person is a bratty little shit. (My apologies to any nice Missy’s who might be reading).

“Amy will have lots of boyfriends when she is older because she is so pretty. You won’t have any because you are so fat.” I don’t even remember what prompted this mean comment. I do know that my family was always remarking at how pretty my cousin Amy was. I don’t remember that ever bothering me until my dad said this to me. I don’t have kids of my own, but I can’t imagine how a parent could say something so cruel to their young child. Again, I felt rejected for being fat.

From my mom
“Jesus, she’s as big as a skinned ox.” I overheard this one Christmas day. My mom had bought me some clothes for Christmas and when I went to try them on they were too small. They made me come out and model anyway. I was embarrassed enough just with that but when I went back to my bedroom to get out of the clothes, I overhead my mom’s comment. I never said anything but my feelings were so hurt.

From a family friend
“You’re sure a big girl, aren’t you?” I was in high school at this point and I was, indeed, a big girl at 5’11” and probably over 300 pounds. I was aware that I was a “big girl” so I certainly didn’t think I needed it so bluntly pointed out to me in front of a table full of people. We were playing cards and this jackass makes his crack. I was much less assertive then than I am now so I didn’t defend myself in anyway. I just sat quietly in shame with my face turning about 18 shades of red as I willed myself not to cry in front of everyone.

I have many more memories of similar things that were said to me as kid. To this day I cringe when I hear someone make a weight-related comment to a child. I remember when my cousin’s daughter, Betsy, was maybe 5 or 6 she was a chubby little girl and her grandmother (my aunt) used to call her “Thunder Thighs”. She honestly did not think this was cruel and was just a cute nickname. But my heart broke for Betsy because I could imagine how it felt. That cruel nickname coupled with the fact that her older sister was a skinny little rail certainly did her no favors. I told my aunt one day that I thought it was mean to call Betsy “Thunder Thighs” but she just laughed it off. I know it bothered Betsy though, even though she was so young. I know this because one day we were walking my brother’s dog together. The dog was overweight and had a funny gait because of it where he would swing his bottom back and forth. I laughed and said, “Look how he waddles he is so fat.” And little Betsy just looked at me with the sweetest little eyes and said, “Debbie, you shouldn’t make fun of him just because he is fat.” My heart broke right there. She was so young to be so empathetic toward the portly pup. I can only imagine she was capable of that kind of empathy at a young age because of her own experiences of being called “Thunder Thighs” by her own family.

The world can be cruel to fat people. And so can our own parents and families.