Well.....FRICK!!!

frick frick frick frickety FRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I blew it today. Really blew it. I binged. Bad. Do you ever feel like you are walking a tight rope and just when you think you have your balance and are going to be able to make it across something throws you off and down you go? That was me today.

Yesterday I made it through my work day fairly well. Not stellar in terms of dieting, but pretty damned good in terms of controlling the bingeing. But then today....wheels off. Sometimes this happens to me. I can white-knuckle my way through one day only to eventually give in to the demon the next.

OK, let's figure out what happened. The binge started after lunch but I think it was set in motion mid-morning. I have been having trouble with bingeing when I get to work in the morning so I decided to bring a mid-morning snack with me (if you fail to plan, you plan to fail, right?) and to make a concerted to effort to eat it when I truly felt hungry. That happened around 10ish and just when I had started to eat my snack, someone came into my office to work together on something. I put my snack aside, feeling hungrier and hungrier as the minutes ticked by with my co-worker. So when I finally ate it at 11:15 or so I was ravenous. That was the first thing that went wrong, letting myself get too hungry.

So the co-worker finally left my office and I finished my snack. Shortlythere after I ran home for lunch. I had a healthy meal prepared and ready to go. I ate it all the while thinking, "This isn't going to be enough." I have that feeling often - that whatever I am eating is not going to be enough. I finished my lunch and drank an extra glass of water. I left the house with the desire to stop and buy a box of Little Debbie's and eat them all on my way back to work. For some reason I was craving the creamy sensation of the filling.

But, I was able to talk myself down telling myself that if I still felt like my belly needed to be fuller when I got to work, I would make myself some of the instant oatmeal I keep at my desk. About halfway to work I realized I wasn't feeling hungry anymore. Yay. I got to work and made 2 packets of the instant oatmeal even though I wasn't hungry. Then I followed it up with a Milky Way, a package of Reese's Pieces, and a package of M&M's. Coming home this evening, I decided I deserved an evening of entertainment. For me, this was a Spicky Chicken Sandwich combo from Wendy's, 3 Pizza Hut breadsticks, about 3/4's of a Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza, a giant bowl of Frosted Flakes, and pint of Dove chocolate ice cream.

So that is my confession. Now what caused me to do this? Yes, I let myself get a little too hungry and that definitely seems to trigger my feelings of no amount is going to be enough once I do start to eat. But something else was going on today. Something else had me feeling something that I can't quite remember now. Which I guess is really the point of the bingeing, to push those feelings down. Well, it worked today. I can remember something had me feeling....well, uncomfortable...for lack of a better description considering I don't remember exactly what it was I was feeling.

OK, so my plan for tomorrow:

1. Take the time to eat my snack when I am feeling hungry regardless of who might be in my office at that time, and more importantly (I think)
2. Take a small notebook to work to jot down my feelings so that I will remember them.

I am going to figure this crap out, dangit. I am sick of doing this to myself.