2009 in Review (Part II)

NOTE: I kinda hate really long blog posts. But this one turned out to be one.

Now that I've covered my "official" SMART goals for 2009, it's time to look at the year as a whole.

My immediate reaction when I think back upon this year is "It F'ing sucked and I don't want another one like it." Yes, there is plenty about 2009 that was not so good for me. But there were some positive things too so let me list those first:

THE GOOD STUFF

• I am continuing to rebuild a relationship with my cousin that I reconnected with in 2008.
• I bought a fabulous new townhouse that will be all the more fabulous once I have it decorated.
• My brother and I continue to stay in touch more than we ever have in the past.
• I continue to received support from the readers of my blog. Seriously, going back through my posts of 2009 it amazes me the handful of you who have consistently commented on my posts, offering support and advice, even though it wasn't a stellar weight loss year. I would love to mention some specific people but won't for fear of missing someone. Let it just be said that if you made it all the way through 2009 with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF

I actually went back and read every single thing I posted in 2009 and alot of the comments too. I have to say, I sound like a pretty miserable person. I am not rehasing all of this to garner any sympathy. I'm just trying to summarize it all here for myself so that I can really see how 2009 was for me. Because I want 2010 to be different.

WORK

A vast portion of my blog was dedicated to venting about work. I am not living life. I am working too hard and stressing and getting fatter. I clipped some excerpts from my posts throughout the year and they make me sad. Here are a few:

• "This whole struggle I have with balance as it relates to my work is one that has been going on for years. And one that needs some examination. I should feel grateful in these tough economic times that I have a job that is fairly secure and that pays me very well. And yet, I have deep feelings of resentment about the ways that my job negatively impacts my life in other ways....my health and weight, my social life (or lack thereof), my general happiness. Financially my job is a great one. But I don't think I am happy in it. I'd like to find a way to be happy in it because it is so good financially. Others seem to be making it work. Why can't I?" (January)
• "I have had one day off in the past 21. Nothing more to say than that. Just trying to survive." (February)
• "Basically February kicked my ass. I am beat down, worn out, tired, stressed, and depressed." (March)"
• "I struggle with knowing how to balance my life as long as I have the job I do. Most days it doesn't seem worth it...my job, that is. And yet I fear making a change. So for now I seem to be stuck trying (unsuccessfully) to make it all work." (March)
• "I feel overwhelmed by everything that seems to need changing in my life." (March)
• "I feel very tired, negative, and hopeless in regards to my own weightloss efforts and just things in general." (March)
• "I am burnt out. Uncle, already."
• "I left work at 11PM on Friday evening. And Fridays are supposed to be half days! I also went in for a couple of hours on Saturdays. This needs to improve. Drastically. And soon."
• "I've been feeling on the edge these past few weeks and months. There have been days I have literally felt like I could have a nervous breakdown. I guess I don't really know what a nervous breakdown entails. I just know that there have been many, many days that I have felt that all it would take is one wrong word, a wrong step, a dropped pencil, or the wind blowing the wrong direction and I would crumble to pieces. And I am not a delicate person. I can and have handled alot in my life. But I am tired. And I can't do it any more. I must rest." (August)
• "I am not exaggerating when I say I have felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown for the past several months. There were days I would wake up and just start crying. I was such a jangled mess of nerves that if so much as a pencil fell on the floor I felt the entire world would cave in. It's been pretty damned bad, if I am being honest. But, it's getting better." (September)

BAD HABITS

As I read through my 2009 blog entries I noted some recurring patterns of behavior stood out to me. What it boils down to is I start out with grand intentions but don't follow through when things get hard. For example:

• I decided to stop doing Weight Watchers and do intuitive eating instead. Then I decided I needed to go back to Weight Watchers. And just a few weeks ago I cancelled my Weight Watchers membership again.
• At the beginning of the year I joined Curves, went for about a month, haven't been back.
• I signed up for water aerobics classes and fell off that wagon too.
• I decided to train for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk which lasted about 3 weeks. (Although with this one I think I bit off more than I could chew considering my fitness level when starting out).

COPING WITH STRESS WITH FOOD

The only coping method I seemed to employ during 2009 was eating:

• "And as the stress built every small thing seemed to go wrong. I was dropping things, spilling the contents of my purse all over my car, just little things, but they set me off. I actually pulled my car over and screamed at the top of my lungs trying to purge the stressful feelings out but that did not help. I tried breathing deeply. I tried talking myself down from the edge.None of that worked and eventually I caved in and sought comfort the only way I apparently know how to get it – with food."
• "Nothing else I do seems to soothe those feelings….not screaming in the car to let it out, not crying, not taking deep breaths, not positive self-talk…only eating soothes my feelings. So eventually I gave in and binged. On one had those uncomfortable feelings are gone. But on the other I feel sick. And disappointed. And discouraged. And hopeless. I feel like I will NEVER be able to string together enough healthy eating days to make a dent in this massive blob of a body."
• "I am also confused. Why am I unable to cope with stressful feelings? I don’t think it was always this way. I would never have made it this far in life if my coping skills had always been this sucky. I don’t know what has happened to me. How I am I ever going to get where I want to go?"

PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF MY OBESITY

I noted some fairly dramatic effects of my obesity on my physical abilities and my emotional health.

"I took a hot bath to try to sooth my aching body (and my beaten spirit). I have never been more aware of the gravitational pull of the earth than I was Sunday evening. With every movement I could feel all those extra pounds weighing me down, pushing me into the earth, crushing me, making everything I do so much harder than it should be. It made me really sad."

And then there were two very upsetting moments during 2009 that would be considered a "rock bottom" to most people - one while shopping for clothes and another while travelling for business.

WHAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO AND WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? Well, that's the topic for my next post. Stay tuned.